Two Missed Calls

Here's what I told myself this morning. I know what I did was kind off stupid. But I know its best for me.  I won't forget him if I will continue re-reading the chapter I've had with him. And yes! It has been four years.

I've been trying to convince myself lately, that I really have to forget about him. And I won't rightfully succeed with it, if I am not going to cut all possible connections that I have with him. Yes, lately, I've been moving on. Still moving on over this guy, this guy from my past that kept on haunting me. I haven't forgotten about him yet, everything about him. Until today. And it scares me, every day that the more I try to bury him in my memory and in my heart, the more I will love him, the hard way. I must learn the hard way. I've experienced major heartbreak from this guy, and I swear. This would be the last time that I'll be writing about how and what I feel for him. This is the last. I know this isn't going to be easy, I've been doing well, moving forward every day, without any updates from him. This is immature, I even blocked him on Facebook and Twitter, just to get rid of him, just for me to stop following him, and continue hurt myself, whenever I see him and his new girl extremely sweet with each other, I am bitter. And I don't deny it. I don't know how long I'll be like this towards him, towards her, towards the two of them. But I know, I've been missing a lot of chances from a numerous guys already. Just because he is still in my heart, I just don't want to be unfair, and use anyone again just to forget about him. 

This is insane, this is crazy. I've been a hopeless romantic since the last day I've given him my heart. I trusted, and loved him so bad, that's why. And it gleefully turned me into someone I can't even call my "own" self. I've been lost on track, just because I was fooled by love. But I don't know, maybe, it was my first. He was my first "real love", or maybe because, I didn't have him enough? I didn't get the love I've been wanting from him when we were still together. And yes, it crushed me down. I am being vocal to what I feel, I sent him a long letter about a month ago, it contained everything I wanted to tell him. That I am bitter, in short. I've been so stupid, thinking that I am a thinker, yet I allowed myself to be eaten up alive by my feelings for him. I was so pathetic to admit him that I, I still have feelings for him... Discreetly. It wasn't a regret for me though, just because I felt a sudden relief after telling him everything that's inside of me. Everything. Yet, it didn't change anything. Still, I'm hopelessly in love with him. And that, whatever I do, he won't love me back, ever again. Just because he's over me. He is in love, sadly not in my eye anymore. But with another girl's eye. 

I know, I am not in the right position to feel jealous or anything, simply because I am not his, I don't know. Not even his friend. Yes, I don't consider him as my friend anymore, it's hard. I know, it's really hard. I can't call him a friend, since I'm still in love with him. I won't be a hypocrite, I don't want to befriend him because I want more. I can't accept the fact that he won't be mine anymore, like ever again. Our chapter was over, long time ago. Yet, here I am. Still hoping endlessly. I still want him, even though he broke me already. I'm feeling like a martyr still loving him after everything that happened. Why on earth, am I doing this to myself? It is already clear, hence, I am still in denial. Also in denial that, there are a lot of better guys waiting for me around, wanting to pursue me... Still, I can't see them, I send them away, just because I am still looking into a person who won't ever look back at me anymore. I am in undeniably pathetic. Just because I won't be loved back by the person that I love. Why am I allowing myself to appear like, I am the damsel in distress in this story. I am impossibly, pathetic.

I'm torturing myself, I know. Since, I am preventing myself to get the "right" love that I must get from the people around me, from those people who're willing to make me feel love again. It's just that, I'm still blinded by these feelings that I have for him. They're now smelling in decay. But I still chooses to keep them in me. It's as if, I've been keeping these heinous and darkest feelings I have, under my closet. That, although, it isn't that visible still it stinks. That makes it, smell like a rotten cadaver, even more. 

I pretended to disregard him earlier. That I didn't see him. But I saw him from my peripheral view. "Sino 'to?" "So you deleted my number pala major?"

Yes. I can't start the next chapter of my life if I keep re-reading the last one. I was shocked, or maybe even a little bit nervous earlier. I just didn't know what to do. From my peripheral view, I saw the man I used to love, still love actually. Hence, I don't know. Still confused, did I remain in love into the feeling of being in love, or still in love with him? It confuses me even more. I got a hangover that I failed to get him, completely. That something still pulls me back. I get it now. Yeah, maybe that's it. I've been trying to figure it out, and maybe it's this easy. Yet, hard to overcome. I've been imprisoned for a long time now. Still, stuck for like, forever? I don't know. I can't say it. Or am just being too exaggerated.

I refused to tell myself that I'm ready to love again. I mean, I am still not ready. That whoever's in front me, still I can't appreciate. I'm so sorry if I'm sounding too repetitive since a while ago. And this is because, I'm writing about what I feel, for the last time. Again, for the last time. Scold me, if I repeat this again. All right? I know, ignoring him, blocking him, and simply forgetting about him's the biggest help I could give myself. If only I admitted myself  first, that I was hurt before, then I wouldn't suffer right now. Maybe this is my time, karma is a bitch. Isn't? And I'm paying for what I've done a long time ago.

I can't stop myself from loving. I just can't un-love you yet. Cause you give me some much to remember. Or, you've turned me into someone heartless? And insensitive that closed my heart for "possible" love again. Well, this is enough. I'm just hurting myself. Two missed calls that makes me remember everything about you again. And you're slowly killing me. Just because I'm stupid to let you do it to me.