A "Good" Reason To Go

Don't be afraid to let go, to give up, to move on. Sometimes, it's what you have to do in order to find the one person who will never make you do any of those things.

If not now, when? 

Today's the last day of May. And I'm now officially enrolled as a Senior Philosophy student. Just a tiny sharing, it only took me less than fifteen minutes to register for this coming semester. I was happy to see my friends as well, too bad I wasn't able to bond with them, just because they were at work in the assessment area of the seminary gym. Hence, the twist is this-- Prepping up for school's much longer compared to that of less than fifteen minutes of registration, and that already includes the validation of my identification card. Ha! Been using it for four years... Starting now. Well, I'm just so overwhelm. I've done this far. 

And this blog entry would be about two things, first is the thought that I ain't bitter about my professor who made me feel a failure for a while, because we already talked and had a fruitful conversation. Second is, I'm decided. I am not yet ready, after ten.. Oops tomorrow's the eleventh month already. Me, being single. I know, it isn't a big deal after all, but I know, wait. Let me scratch that. For me, this is something big. For, a lot of reasons. I'm feeling like, I'm really into a struggle wherein, I can no longer understand why I'm feeling extra hard on people-- people who're trying to be close to me. All I do is just push them away, without knowing that I'm already hurting them. Although I don't really mean it. Let's just say, I'm consciously unconscious. 

Last night, I allotted some time, talking to my professor, whom once made me feel like, I'm the biggest failure in the world. But, I thanked you. Thanked him for making me feel that way. If not for him, if not for that feeling, I wouldn't be able to repair myself, by again reiterating that.. "You are not as good as what you think". You are just a nobody. You ain't that special, really. It was frustrating, but... I was able to overcome that feeling. I've already outgrown that I am not yet enough to be considered "good" just because I don't have any enough reasons to feel as such. But mind you, I am now good. I am now ready to start a new slate. Now, that's just a part of me, a part of my past that I've learned to acknowledged although once it killed and broke me. But hey, I'm again a brand new person. In my context, I feel.

On the other hand, I'm kind of feeling like, I'm guilty as charged. Like, I'm the heartless and senseless person in the world. Really, I feel so problematic. I feel bipolar. I feel so bad. Giving false hopes to people, again. I know it's wrong. But couldn't help it. Been there, done that. But this time, I know it's totally wrong. That's why, I'm trying to find ways on how am I going to tell them that I am not ready yet, in a subtle way. But I don't think I succeeded. I already rubbed it in into their faces that I don't like them, that... I just used them to kill time. I got not so good rants from them, they even kept on asking for another chance, but I don't give a damn. Asking, "Is it this easy to you?" Uhhh. I feel so guilty. But, I can't do anything about it. I don't like them. I can't force myself to like them. Though, they're already professionals, literally. But... Still, I can't understand why I'm this harsh. Am I really disclosed to possible chances on love? Did I just give up too soon? I don't know. I don't know anymore.

Hence, the way I see things, and assess it... I know this is "good" a good reason to go. To well, allow myself to find what's really in store for me. I'm not even looking for a love one, I just can't bear people who'd nag and be so clingy, texting and calling me every now and then. It's irritating and annoying. I just don't see the point why I have to this bothersome. But, I'm currently in the process. Still in the process of fixing my broken heart. I just don't know when's my due date. Haha. But I'm certain that there's a time for everything, and that... It isn't my time yet. :D

PS: I don't believe in destiny. I believe in accidents. That's what makes a living, worth-living.