Just because I am "Immature"

My second to the last class schedule as a College student

Oh. Just the last time I checked it was my first time to create a class schedule. That was when I was still a Frosh. And now, here we go! This is going to be my "second to the last" class schedule as a College student. Can't imagine that it really went too fast. Everything. Four years would be this fast. Magical isn't? Well. At least in my context, and experience. And I don't know what to feel, but I'm feeling excited, and at the same time, I think this really saddening. Yes, the opening of classes this coming June. Mixed emotions. I just can't explain, everything.

But wait. Hmm. Well, this blog isn't really about my schedule or whatsoever related to school stuff. What I want to talk about in this blog is my situation at the moment. Currently, I am confused. Really confused. Yes, I am confused, twice as much. Haven't I told you yet? I've been seeing someone lately. But I always wonder, still. This won't work. Just because I'm immature. I'm still immature. And that I know, I ain't capable to handle these things yet. Just because I am not ready. I'm not yet ready. Still not ready.

I don't know when. But I know, I'm still not. I thought I was, but I was wrong. Just when I realized that this won't lead nowhere, just because I'm ultimately a fault finder. And I am ultra sensitive. I can't take jokes, I view them as bad jokes, for I am too serious. Maybe, I have a poor sense of humor. No, maybe the person just doesn't know how to throw a joke the right way. Or he isn't just funny at all. I don't know. The only thing I know is that... I am immature.

Do you even wonder why I consider myself immature? Ha. I don't think you would even wonder, just because I am really immature. Well yeah. This is going to be impossible as me. I've been pushing away a lot of people who wanted to be close to me lately, (let's get to consider for the past ten months, after I've had my heart broken, then comes this certain guy, that I don't know. I don't know our status. The twist is... He is older than me. Really older. He's a Law student from De La Salle University. And I don't know. I just find him interesting, simply because he's also a thinker. No doubt, he must really be cause he is a Law student. And that he's capable of exchanging good ideas with me. Thus, he also tolerates and understands my mood swings. Indeed, I find him nice. That's the reason why, I'm like... Trying to give him at least a chance.

It's just that, I know, this something that we have is fun at the moment. However, I'm thinking.. How about tomorrow, then the next day. Would it still be fun? I really don't know.

So, here's a part or at least a gist of our talk last night that made me think again. Made me confused even more. But the thing is, he is really eager to convince me that he is different from the rest of the guys I've dated.

J: I don't want to lose you. I'm so sorry.

A: Look. I'm still immature. I still don't know how to handle things like this.

J: Stop calling me Kuya. Okay?

A: Still, I thought I was ready to see people again. I realized that.. I'm not. Still not.

J: But when? When will you be ready?

A: I don't know.

J: If nobody tells you. How would you know?

A: I don't think I don't need anyone to dictate what I have and must do. Cause it's my own will. Free will.

J: Yeah. I'm not dictating you on anything. Do you think I'm doing it to you?

A: I tried. But I don't know! I got confused even more.

J: Can I call? Please. Let's talk about this.

A: I don't like. This would be fine.

J: Wait. We really need to talk.

A: Is this something urgent?

J: Yes. So please pick up your phone.

A: I don't want. Aren't you pissed off yet? Please get pissed!! Look. I keep on ignoring your calls.

J: Okay fine. I understand. Let's just talk here. Awhile ago.. We're good. Then all of sudden this. What's wrong?

A: Don't you think am too mababaw, and that I can't take things seriously?? Don't you think am too childish to act so annoyingly?

J: That's who you are. Be it. That's you.

A: Don't you think am too immature that I create fuss of out a tiny thing?

J: You won't enter a relationship if you really don't accept the person completely. Fine. Be childish. It's really nothing with me.

A: Ugh. Are you really serious?

J: Damn serious!

A: Would you still stick to a person who totally acts like a kid? I bet npt.

J: Sorry. That's you. But not me.

A: Who would even dare sticking with such person?

J: Are you asking me to go away?

A: I already answered that.

J: Yes or No.

A: As of the moment, yes. I just don't know with tomorrow. And the next day.

J: The problem is... You always think. And sometimes you forget to use your heart.

A: Boom. Harsh reality. Part of life.

J: Here's the catch. Nothing's going to happen if you always have answers or reasons to everything I say.

A: I'm just expressing my thoughts. Is there something wrong about it?

J: Fine. You win again. But take note of this -- I won't ever give up on you. Not today. Not tomorrow.

A: I've heard that several times already. But nothing happened. See?

J: You don't know the real me. Yet.

A: I admit yes, you too. You don't know me that much.

J: I know. And that's the reason why I am really into you.

A: Fine. We'll see how far we could go. I have to go.

J: Wait. Still mad?

-end of conversation-

The thing is...

He is really eager and persuasive. Makes me want to believe him already. But still, I'm guarding off my heart away from people. Also, from him. Thinking like, I need more time. More time to think, and for myself as well. To take care of myself. Love myself more. Just because I know, I ain't ready yet. Still not ready. Ask me again, when. But I'm seriously certain that I don't know. I still don't know. Call me immature. I know I am immature. I won't deny it. :)

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