The Notion of "The" Beautiful

I'm just "Beautiful" me.

I'm just "Beautiful" me.

Five weeks. It has been five weeks of  pain, and struggle-- yet here I am. Still going. And I'll keep going. I'll continue moving forward to achieve what I wanted since the beginning. Since then I've decided to workout, and struggle losing weight in the gym every single day of the month of April. It's hard to start all over again from the beginning. It's even harder that I have to start from scratch-- again. Just because I gave up a few months ago, and let go of my dream. But now, I know and I can see that I have achieved enough, but still it isn't "more than enough". I still have a long way to go, and I really have to work hard, and aim for more. 

I ain't really satisfied with my weight loss, biceps and triceps formed within my arms. Lifting, too much crunches for the abs, running the treadmill, kicking off the stationary bicycle, staircase climbing for an hour every day, using all those apparatuses in the gym makes a lot of difference. Yes, I workout two and half to three hours at max in the gym every single day of this month. Well, not to mention, I indulged myself into such a program I considered "easy", just because it is the fastest way of dieting that I know.

I am guilty. I acknowledge "crushed diet", and basically, I use it every time I think I'm gaining too much. Every time, I look in the mirror and notices that I am not looking "good" with my size anymore. That whenever, I try looking at my closet, I would definitely feel the regret of eating too much junks, and drinking a lot of sodas, sweetened drinks, and milk teas! Just because I craved for them. That, I even have to squeeze into my jeans. That makes me feel ugly. Uglier. Thus, I know "crushed diet" isn't really good. Neither, it isn't safe for my body, for I don't get enough nutrients that I need, however I believe it helps me loose more.

Still, I don't think what I've been doing's enough. Although, those people around me, who already sees "changes" in me, warns me to stop working out too much, and worries if sometime soon I'll become a health freak and worse, anorexic. I have to admit that way back in Secondary years, I was once an anorexic. Even bulimic. I don't know, just because I'm very much eager or should I say desperate to loose some weight, and cut off my big bulges. It makes me sad, I felt so ugly. I felt as if I was even discriminated cause of my size.

Until, today. Except for the intellectual, extra-curricular, and political recognition I've received from all these years, I was, yeah. Finally, I have overcome my biggest fear. My darkest nightmare, I don't need to worry about the feeling of being awkward, just because I'm the ugliest and the fattest girl in class. The heaviest fat cow in the row, that nerdy ugly fat ass in the honor role. 

However, in some ways, or another I felt as if I've changed. I became too transparent and narcissistic. I just love keeping myself "beautiful", I can't even go out without being dolled up all together, I became too conscious with the way I look. I watch out with the calorie intake I put in into my stomach. Just because I worry that I'll go back to the fat and ugly me. It sucks, I know. I could really sense it. It changed me into someone-- I don't know. Physically, I became better, however I'm feeling like it isn't really good after all. 

Not to compare, from that nerdy fat ass from "insert-adjective" creature that I am right now. From, the not so good-looking, ugly duckling fat girl to the girl they call "pretty and gorgeous" right now. Does it make a difference? Can I just claim that "real beauty comes from within?" It comes naturally from the heart, rather than from the physical attributes that a "beautiful woman" possesses. 

Thus, there's a thin line between being "pretty" from being "beautiful". 

And I don't want to be called pretty. Just because I'm not pretty, I believe that I am beautiful. And those who are really "beautiful" are the ones who believes they are. :) 

And that what makes me beautiful.