Sometimes, you have to walk away from what you want to find what you deserve.~

Sometimes, you have to walk away from what you want to find what you deserve.
–Another good realization of mine. Well, I’ve accepted the challenge already, and it has been almost three weeks. And I’m still moving forward. Little by little, and I guess, it’s a good sign. ‘Stop, kung ayaw mong MAS LALO pang masaktan.’—I saw this signage near the washroom in AB. It made me realize that I should STOP thinking too much, that it’s alright not to know ALL the answers. Those questions left unanswered, most importantly, if that person doesn’t want to open up anymore. —Ade, chill. Okay? Bagong prinsipyo mo ‘yan di ba? Despite all these things happening around you, chill parin. If you’re not ready yet to know everything, including the truth, just stop bothering and squeezing yourself from being too curious, for sometimes, too much curiosity leads us to our nonsensical stands.

Smile. You don’t own ‘ALL’ the problems in the world. —Wear the sexiest smile, so that the entire universe will fall in love. Take the first step in faith, you don’t hafta see the whole staircase, just take the first step. I’m so happy right now; I’m beginning to be the source of happiness of another person. I never knew nor realize that at this point in my life, despite all my downfalls, still, there’s someone who still sees and appreciates my worth. This is so timely. I don’t know what to say and how to react, but one thing’s for sure… ‘Hindi mo alam kung gaano mo ako napapasaya sa bawat ngiti mong ‘yan, kahit pa alam kong nasasaktan ka, at pinipilit mo lang maging masaya, yung kagandahan mo.. Lutang na lutang parin. Ngumiti ka lang, ako’y nasa langit na, ang ‘yong kagandahan, tila bagang isang anghel na bumaba mula sa langit. ‘— Sobrang nakakatuwa, hanggang ngayon, may mga lalaking makata parin pala. Though, sobrang late na for a Valentine surprise, well, at least, better late than never. Hihi.

You’ll never find the right person, if you never let go of the wrong one.

Kanina, sa PhilHist, sobrang wala akong magawa, sobrang nabobore ako sa mga nagrereport, that’s why I decided to write this thing in my journal…

‘Stop with all those What If’s?’ Adrienne, ano ka ba? Stop caring and stop thinking about him. Isang araw ka lang niyang mi-nind fuck, nashaked na ng sobra sobrang yang utak mo. Duh, kung gusto ka niya talagang i-win back, dapat at least he did something last Tuesday, knowing that it was your 1st Anniversary, hello. First Anniversary po ‘yun, hindi lang simpleng monthsary. Haha, see? Kung paano at gaano siya nag-evolved, dati.. Simpleng monthsary lang, kung makapag effort siya, halos di siya makatulog sa excitement and sa surprise na gagawin niya. Gosh. Kahit nung Monday night man lang, ano ba naman ang simpleng phone call, ang sabihin niya, ayaw na lang niya talaga. May patext text pa siya ng kaaertehan niyang mahal ka niya. What the fuck, actions speak louder than words nga e. Umaasa ka pa ba? Haha. Maniniwala ka pa ba? Come on. He’s just mind fucking you. Ginugulo ka lang niya, yung maganda at masaya mo nang buhay, don’t turn back. Magsisisi ka lang. Wag ka nang magpaapekto sa bugso ng damdamin mo. Temporary feelings lang naman ‘yan. Chill. It’ll eventually falter. Hello, magpapaapekto ka pa ba? No way, right. Stop being a jerk. Wake up. Move on. Ano ba naman yung dalawang text messages that day lang. Well, kung totoo mang importante man sakanya yung araw na ‘yun, kung totoong mahalaga ka pa sakanya, at kung totoong mahal ka niya talaga, hanggang ngayon, ode sana nag-effort man lang siyang makita ka diba? Pero, anong ginawa niya. Hindi ka niya hinarap. Naduwag siyang harapin ka. Hello, it was supposedly your First Anniversary together, ano ‘yun. Porket, magkalapit lang kayo, itatake nalang for granted yung event? Or.. May event, oo. Last year, part nalang ‘to ng memories ko. Lol. Ano ba ginawa niya sa ‘special daw’ na araw na ‘yun? He did NOTHING, right? Sobrang wala siyang BAYAG para harapin ka man lang. Tumawag man lang sana siya sa phone, diba? Pero. Wala e. Wala talaga kahit ano. WALA. Period.

Tumawag man lang sana siya sa phone di ba? Para ayusin ang lahat. But no. he didn’t do anything. He didn’t even show up. Sobrang kakapalan lang ng mukha niya, texting you, mind-fucking you, he’s again being sweet to you with his sugar coated text messages, but no. Here’s the thing. He did that not to win you back or anything, he did that para magpapansin at magpacute lang. Nothing more, nothing less. Nanggugulo lang siya. See, you texted back, right? But he didn’t reply na afterwards. Kung TUNAY KA NIYA TALAGANG MAHAL, sa mga sinasabi niya, sobrang kabaligtaran naman yun ng mga actions niya e. Nagawa niya ngang magbigay ng chocolates sa apat na iba’t ibang babae o. Pero sa’yo ba? Sa’yo ba.. Anong nagawa niya nung araw na ‘yun? Di ba dapat araw niyo yun? Hindi lang kasi yun basta simpleng araw lang e. Dapat.. ANNIVERSARY natin yun e. Pero, okay lang. Tanggap ko naman na. Tapos na ang lahat. Gusto ko naman ‘to e, wala akong karapatang magtanong or magreklamo. In the first place, ako ang may gusto nang lahat ng to. Pero, hindi naman sa ganitong paraaan.

Nakakatuwa, sa sobrang pagka-curious ko, kung paano niya cinelebrate at inanticipate yung spirit ng February 14, yung wala na ako, yung wala nang kami. Bigla kong malalaman, wtf. Yes, srsly. I opened his Facebook account, then nabasa ko ‘yun. Sobrang funny. Nagbigay siya ng chocolates sa apat na babae. Tapos, mukhang dinamay pa niya yata ako. He gave some din daw sa ‘EX’ niya. And, sa sa dati niyang ka-MU. Wow naman, akala ko ba.. HAHAHAHAHA. Sobrang nakakatawa lang. ‘Mahirap kasi yung maraming sinusuyo e’. Mukha mo, mukhang paa. Oh gosh, sobrang bull shit lang talaga niya e. Naalala ko lang tuloy last time, ‘Babe, I didn’t bring your chocolate na ha, baka kasi matunaw’. Lol, samantalang yung ibang tao… Nagagawa mong bigyan, nagagawa mong mag-show off. Pero sa akin? Wala. Nakakatawa naman o. Ang babaw, pero.. Sobrang evident na napaka walang kwentang lalaki niya. Pakitang tao. Plastik. Sobrang pitiful. Ouch. Okay, sobrang wala na talaga siyang pakialam sakin e, noh? Not even minding if he’ll win me back pa or not anymore na. Gosh, di parin talaga ako makagetover e. Sobrang layo lang kasi talaga sa nakilala at minahal kong Mike.

Well, sa ngayon lang naman. Simpleng lang yung gusto kong mangyari e. Gusto ko lang naman ay… Malaman KUNG BAKIT. Kung bakit all of a sudden, within a single snap, nagbago na yung lahat, yung pakikitungo at treatment niya sa akin. Binasura nalang akong bigla bigla. Hinayaan niya lang na mag-slip away yung relationship naming ng ganun kadali. Akala ko ba, ayaw niyang mawala ako sakanya. Haha, na gusto niyang maglast kami til the end of time. Pero BAKIT? Hay. Puro bakit, ang dami kong tanong na gusto kong masagot, pero parang malabong masagot, kasi siya lang naman makakasagot nun e. Pero, paano? Di nga kami nag-uusap e. Ang hirap. Paano ako magkakaroon ng peace of mind? Hay. Eto nalang talaga yung kulang para sa completely kong pagmomove on e. Well, I know and I hafta admit that I provoked him before, like several times pa nga e. Pero, all those times, naging strong lang siya for the both of us, for the sake of our relationship. Ganun niya ako kamahal, siguro.. Hindi nalang niya talaga ako mahal ngayon. Fallen out of love? Hay. Hindi ko talaga alam. Ang hirap magconclude, pero that’s my only and last resort. Despite all those things na nangyari, he was motivated and he was able to conquer all naman e. Matapang at strong ‘yung lalaking minahal ko nun e. Nakakapagtaka. Pero, hanggang dun nalang ako e. I’m left off with all these questions left unanswered. Sobrang hindi ko alam kung kelan ako makakatanggap ng mga kasagutan. Pero. Basta. Too bad lang talaga, I guess. ‘It’s too late’ for me and for us, for everything narin naman e.

We’re not gonna meet halfway anymore. Well, if ever naman, dumating yung point na magkakaharap ulit kami, magkakausap about us, sana wala nang awkward moments, sana maging okay yung magiging pag-uusap namin, if ever magkakaroon man.

If ever magkakaayos man kami, I know it’s not gonna work out anymore. Parehas na kaming sumuko e. Walang nag-stay para lumaban sa huling battle namin. Peace of mind nalang naman ang hinihingi ko ngayon from him e. Yung matanggap namin sa isa’t isa na putol na. Wala na. There’s no more hope for us, that “We’re setting each other free already”. Wala nang balikan pa. Hinayaan mo lang naman ako e. Pinakawalan mo lang naman ako ng ganun ganun lang e. Ode ibig sabihin, choice natin ‘to parehas, the decision was mutual. Siya nga ba? Hmm. Seryosohan na.

Well, alam ko namang hindi lang yun ganun kadali e. Hindi ganung kadali na, well at least save the ‘friendship’, kahit wala naman nang love, pwede paring maging kaibigan… Sa tamang panahon, diba? Sobrang fresh pa ng lahat, yung gusto kong ‘closure’ medyo malabo naring mangyari, walang nagcocompromise e. As a remedy, I’ll just let everything flow, feel and endure every pain, I won’t ignore it, for I believe, habang iniignore ko ‘to, lalo lang akong masasaktan at maaapektuhan. Just go with the flow. Hanggang sa mamanhid at mapagod na yung puso’t isipan mong isipin at mahalin siya. Darating yung panahon na, di ko namamalayan, one day… ‘totally okay nap ala ulit ako, buo na ulit ako. Handa na akong magmahal ulit.’.

Take your time, Ade. Just give some more time for yourself, trust and follow your heart. It’ll help you feel better. Smile. There are lotsa reasons to be happy. :>

‘Therefore is a word a poet must not know.’ —Andre Gide

I’ll be sharing a poem. —A poem straight from a Heart Broken.

WE NEVER UNDERSTOOD PROXIMITY

Without gravity, all else that moves
And strains and reaches make such sense,
Such weight, but then, things fall apart;

The center cannot hold. Remember how
Here, you once held a pebble in your palm,
Its rough-hewn edges whispering come

Here, stay; the way its miniscule heft insists
Memory. Consider how the sea erodes its surface,
Each ebb carving layers off its core. Or how

From elsewhere, the moon wanes as canopies
Rustle and let go of a dead leaf. It’s minute
Details brittle, delicate. Until finally it crumbles

Back to the Earth
In pieces, closer.

Ayoko na talaga, sobrang ayoko nang makita pa siya. Pero ewan. Joke lang. As much as possible, ayoko nang magkaroon pa ng kahit anong klaseng connection sakanya, pero.. Pero kasi naman talaga e. Gusto kong magkaroon ng closure, ng peace of mind, ng bash from him na okay kami. Maghihiwalay kaming okay. Hindi yung ganito, ayoko nang ganito. Sobrang bonggang rude lang. Sobrang awkward sa isa’t isa. Walang usap usap and everything. Pero, kaya nga siguro break up, as in break e. Baka naman, time lang talaga. Sige na nga, I’ll give more time. I’ll extend my time pa. For myself and for finding remedies for my broken heart. Well, pinakalate na ‘to. Birthday ko sa March 16. Sobrang last na ‘yun. I know sa time na ‘yun, kapag nineteen na ako. ManiNINETEENdihan ko narin ang lahat, pati yung reason kung bakit pinagdaraaanan ko ‘tong mga bagay na ‘to. Okay lang naman e, kahit masakit, kahit mahirap i-overcome, as long as may natututunan ako.. Hindi ‘to nakakasama sakin. Tatanggapin ko ng buong buo. Natatanggap ko narin naman sa paglipas ng mga araw na nagdadaan e. Medyo matagal nga lang yung process, pero may progress naman, yun lang naman yung mahalaga dun e. At least, nag ggrow ako at may natututunan akong magagandang bagay na pwede kong i-apply sa susunod sa pagkakataon. :>