THREE CONSECUTIVE SIGNS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED

Today was a blast, had a fun filled day with my family. 'Twas a blessed Sunday after all. I miss this times when we go to Mass all together, eat out and shop as one happy family. :) Really, this day was awesome. So, to change the typical way of me blogging, I want a descriptive entry tonight, for how was it like experiencing this feeling again even just for a short period of time. It made a whole lot difference. I have to admit, I've been too far away with my parents and siblings since then I committed myself, but now that I am no longer committed, and I am no longer thinking of how it will be like, living a life without a boyfriend, being single alone but the most important of it all is that, I am again free.~

It isn't a strange feeling anymore that almost all eyes were on me earlier at the church. Well, I have to be extra pretty and attractive these days, not for the guys to notice me even more, but I have to, just because I want to, and I want to reward and tell myself that I'm really beautiful. Cause I can no longer feel that I am still pretty, after all the things that happened. But I was able to stand again, and prove myself wrong, it isn't the end of the world yet, the fact that he left me, well there are still a lot of guys out there, waiting and lining up for me to choose from and love eventually. I thank God for continuously and endlessly showering me with too many blessings in life, that even though am not asking for it, He still continues his graces unto me. Left the house at around 10AM, then when we reached the mall, we fed our hungry bellies for lunch at Sbarro, and dinner at the Old Spaghetti House, plus I have four bonus from my Mom. :) I bought 4 dresses (which I have posted already on my Twitter and Facebook account) that's what I get from passing my first semester subjects. Experienced a full body massage as well. Really today was fulfilling and one of a kind. After all those hardships, I got what I deserve. Preppy micro dresses from Freeway, Solo and Kachieca. Well, so much for these material things that made me happy today, on the other hand, I was about to burst when there was this guy earlier in the mall that actually made this sound of a whistle and called me "sexy". (Oo, alam ko namang sexy ako e. Pero shit naman, pwede bang wag mo kong titigan mula hanggang paa, at mula paa hanggang ulo pabalik balik? Ano yan. Hinuhubaran mo na ko sa mga tingin mo pa lang? Nakakatakot e. Di bale sana kung type kita, okay lang. Eh, kaso hindi e. Nakakainit ka lang ng dugo. Shit.) I really don't know, I've got these mixed emotions today, ~extreme happiness, contentment, irritated and misery.. :O

And by the way, I'm still in love with you. i tried not to be, but it didn't work. (catch phrase for tonight) I prevented myself from not talking to him, but I again did. And this time, with tears, while me facing him over the web. But that, changes everything. *emotional breakdown* I wasn't able to hold my tears back, and got no face to show him after. But after the last sign that I've been waiting for, I have to give up. Seriously, I've reached the peak of it all, I did a lot of sacrifices already, and now to stop the bleeding, I promise. And I am marking on my calendar that today's the start of the bleeding of my heart. Today's the start that everything will turn out to be normal again. Just like how we used to before, when we're still friends, and no strings attached yet. I broke up with him, checked. I prevented myself from talking to him, checked. But I haven't stopped loving him yet, but I have to. Now, that I finally met the deadline, this is it. Got the third and last sign that I've been waiting for. (Indication that I really have to give up, no matter how hard it'll be, and I have to divert my feelings for someone close, instead of me loving him still)

I've asked God for 3 signs, when and how will I give up my love for him. So I guess, this is it. Finally. Though it's breaking my heart, I have to do this.

1) Last day ng exams, nung first sem. Kasama ko sila Wilma at Meg from the carpark, bumili kami ng food sa McDo, kasi may film viewing kami sa Rat Psych, and nakita ko siya.. Habang pabalik na kami ng building namin, hindi ko nalang pinansin. Iniwas ko yung direction ng tingin ng mata ko sa iba, yumuko ako at kinausap nalang sila Meg. Pero, nakita din pala nila siya.. Good news: May kasamang babae. -NAKITA KITANG MAY KASAMANG IBANG BABAE, RIGHT BEFORE MATAPOS ANG FIRST SEMESTER. Take note: Last day. Kaya nga di na kita tinext pa para makipagkita at magpaalam man lang bago magbakasyon. :)

2) Nakita kita nung last day din na yun. Gabi naman, around 6pm. Naghintay ako sa baba ng AMV, dun sa may plant box, tapat ng Greenwich. Pero hindi kita nakita habang nandun ako, halos dalawang oras din akong naghintay, kasi hanggang 5:30 pa yung exam mo. Pero nung nakaalis na ako, pabalik ng building namin, umaasa akong makikita parin kita, again, para makipag-usap, mayakap at makapag paalam ng maayos. Pero sita. Wala ka talaga. PERO, NAKITA KITA SA LIKOD KO, NUNG PAPUNTA NA AKONG LOVER'S LANE, KASAMA YUNG MGA KAIBIGAN KO. ISA LANG ANG DAHILAN, HINDI NA TAYO PWEDE, AYAW TAYONG PAG TAGPUIN NG TADHANA. -So, second sign answered. : MAKIKITA KITA BAGO KUMAGAT ANG DILIM SA HULING ARAW NG SEMESTER, AT HINDI MO AKO PAPANSININ, AT HINDI TAYO MAKAKAPAG-USAP.

3) Medyo matagal rin akong naghintay, dalawang linggo. At ngayong gabi 'to nangyari. Nag-isip na naman ako ng mga nakakaraang araw kung makikipagkita nga ba ulit ako sayo, kahit pinipigilan ko yung sarili ko, pero dahil nga nakausap at nakita kita sa Skype ngayon, namiss kita, naiyak at nasaktan ako sa sakit na bumalik na naman sa akin. Naisip kong bigyan ng isa pang pagkakataon ang sarili ko, para mayakap, muling mahalikan at makausap ka. Pero bigo ako dun. -MAY IBA KANG LAKAD, O PRIORITY SA ARAW NA ITINAKDA. Ibig sabihin, hindi na ako ang mas una sa listahan mo when it comes to your friends. Now, you chose them over me. -Wala naman akong hinanakit o sama ng loob, ito lang talaga yung huling sign na hiningi at hinintay ko. At dumating naman siya. :)

I know wala akong right para i-question ka, sa mga choices in life mo at this moment, kasi nga.. Wala na tayo. Wala narin naman akong pakialam, yun nga lang. Kahit sa kahuli hulihang pagkakataon, hindi ako pinagbigyan ng tadhana para mailahad man lang yung kinikimkim kong sakit. Gusto ko sanang umiyak at ibuhos sayo lahat ng sakit na nadarama ko, pero huli na ang lahat. :) Wala na pala. Since, dumating na lahat ng signs na hinihintay ko. Time and duty ko naman ngayon ay sundin ang utak ko. Ang sinasabi ng utak kong tama. Wala ng arte arte pa. Mag momove on na ako ng sagad sagaran. Wala naman ng magbabago pa. May isang salita naman ako, naguguluhan ako kung saan, kailan at paano ko sisimulan yung sinasabi kong pag momove on. Pero eto na yun. Dumating narin sa wakas. Papanindigan ko na, kahit gaano pa kasakit.
Nakakita ako ng konting liwanag at ngiti nung akala kong mapagbibigyan ako ng tadhana sa kahuli hulihang pagkakataong hiningi ko sakanya, pero.. Bigo parin ako e. Isa lang ang ibig sabihin nun. TAMA NA. WAKASAN KO NA. WAKASAN NA NATIN NG BUONG BUO ANG LAHAT. Kailangan ko ng tanggapin sa sarili ko na WALA NA TALAGANG PAG-ASA. Kailangan ko ng ibuhos para sa iba 'tong nararamdaman ko para sayo. Kung hindi ko man kayang gawin sa ibang lalaki.. At least sa ibang bagay na lang. Pero nangako ako sa sarili ko na, wala munang ibang lalaki. Magmomove on ako sa sarili ko nalang. Di na ako gagamit ng ibang lalaki, kasi baka masaktan ko rin naman sila kung gagamitin ko sila makapag move on lang ako. Ayoko nang manggamit. Ayoko nang maulit yung kung ano mang nangyari sa nakaraan. Masyado ng masakit e. Tama na yung isang bonggang bonggang sakit at hapdi nalang, para kapag gumaling man ito, may maiiwan paring marka o peklat na magpapatunay na nalagpasan ko. Kahit gaano pa kahirap.

Ngayong nalipat na sa'yo lahat ng atensyon na binibigay ko dati sa pampito kong ex, kailangan ko nang wakasan, kahit gaano pa ito kahirap para sa akin, kasi kailangan kong tumupad sa usapan. Sa usapan namin ng tadhana, at dapat sa usapang iyon, kailan ma'y hindi mababali o naising baliin. :)

Enough for this, masyado nang mahaba. I guess, I've said everything na dapat kong sabihin. Clear na 'to. At least nakapag buhos narin ako ng lahat ng bigat na dalahin ko sa aking dibdib, ilang linggo narin ang nakalilipas. Nawa'y maging matagumpay ako sa aking tungkulin. :))