WILL WE EVER MEET AGAIN?

Will we ever meet again?

When I said "I am over him", what I really meant was, he still makes me laugh when we talk, I still pray for him to love me and be with me again. I still wish for him at 11:11, I cry myself to sleep almost every night while thinking about what we had, what we could have had, and what I want us to be in the future. I still think of him, 24/7. And yes, I'm still in love with him, however, I'm still in pain. I still want him and I still love him with everything that I have, and everything that I am. When someone tells me he does not deserve me, I still answer "Yes, he does", and I even sometimes say "I didn't deserve him and that's the reason why he left me". Even though I know it's not right, I'm still jealous with the girl he's now in love with, still hoping and wishing it was me. I still have his digits on my phone, and I've not deleted the messages he sent me, for I treasure those messages the most. I still got his picture on my wallet, and I'M STILL NOT OVER HIM~

Every night, I've got the same dilemma and I up until now, I can't still find any remedy for this bleeding heart of mine. I've always tell myself to start moving on, but then I can't. I still can't manage to move on, knowing that I still love him so much. So much that it hurts, and digs my own grave. :( And that reality really sucks. Because no matter how hard I try to ignore my feelings for him, no matter how desperate I am in convincing myself that I don't love him anymore, the more pain I endure, the more agony I am into, for I am loving him more, for I'm giving myself more reasons to love him, deeper and deeper with these harsh things that I am doing. My heart is breaking, really. Every time I see something that I ain't suppose to see, him talking to all other girls, them having a sweet conversations. While I prevented myself from entertaining suitors, I even declined invites, and ditched them the day we are supposed to go out for a date. Those times when I put down phone calls at night, though I wish to talk to some of them, for I believe at least for the mean time, they can make me forget about him, but I didn't I refused and stopped to do those things, just because.. I am faithful and loyal to one. But I guess, I shouldn't be doing those, I shouldn't be closing my doors for them, for I might not know, there's already one of them, whom I can finally call my Mr. Right, and treat me as his princess. But I don't know, am still blinded by the fact, that I still love this wrong person in front of me. Really. Now, I am awfully confused. He's just trying to prove me that he isn't worthy of my love anymore. He's giving me a stronger motivation to move on, curse him and forget about him and fling with other guys.

It's amazing how good I am in making others feel comfortable about themselves every time I gave them my brightest advises, but how come, I cannot ever apply those on me? I always feel this hell in me, every time I get to scrutinize and remember all those happy moments that we shared and spent together. Those flashbacks before bed during dawn time, makes it even harder. Same exact thing, same exact feeling. I hate it, that whenever I try to see something that I shouldn't see, my heart suddenly stops and crashes down into pieces. :'( Eventually, that gives me the hint to stop loving him and everything that he does really annoys me. And I wonder why he'd always prefer telling me lies about him loving me still and make me cry, than telling me the truth and make me smile. Yes, I'm sick of this situation. I'm sick of struggling, I am fucking tired of trying, yeah, I'm smiling but inside I'm dying. :'(

For the long run, I thought that we could last forever, I believed that our relationship was real, and something different from the others. But those were lies. Simple lies of yours. I thought that in our relationship, arguments are simple tests to see if we are strong enough to overcome those, and I thought that it defines true love. But this time, I don't wanna fool myself anymore. This damn feeling of bitterness suddenly fades away. And now I'm ready to fly. I'm ready to commit again. Because now, I feel like crying. I feel like, I did my best, my best was not that good enough. :) And I failed with the thing that I want to happen. I hoped for something that I know will never ever come to happen. I just had enough. So much for me to end and give up. I thought of second chances, but this time, I guess it won't correct and makes things right anymore. Somebody needs a brand new one. Somebody needs a brand new beloved. Someone who can fix my bleeding and broken heart. Yes, I love you, and I LOVED you. But we're done, and YOU'RE DELETED. ~