WHEN THINGS FALL APART...

I didn't know it'll come this fast. A week or two, had passed. I've been terribly worried, thinking about my working situation, same with my habits toward work. Too bad, my heart suddenly gave up. I really don't know what entered my mind, I suddenly resigned. I gave up, too easily. I just let a big opportunity slipped at the tip of my finger... and I just let it happen that fast, without me even thinking twice, of the consequences of my hasty decision. 

Surprisingly, I decided without a word. I just thought it was for the best, that sooner or later, I won't regret resigning from Ayala. But I did, unconsciously. I don't know, it's as if I was once again, half-awake, half-asleep? Maybe, I just gave it up without a fight because I can't stand it anymore. From the beginning, I thought it'll be easy, turned out... I just thought it was. Yet, it wasn't at all. Here I am, still imprisoned with the idea of summer vacation. Still stuck. Would I forever enclose myself in the idea of it, or should I, for once create a step forward to outdo my imagination? - Yes, I am still imagining that I am in my comfort zone... Only to find out, I am in the hell zone of what reality is all about.

It was Friday, a few days after Tyhoon Glenda ruined everything in the country... I was busy "working", when the office guard in our floor, delivered a package to me. It was sealed in an envelope, and when I opened it, I was right, they were chocolates... from London, thanks Tito Leo for being extra thoughtful. Then came Saturday, and Sunday. Still the same old feeling. "What do I really want?" Here we go to such a question that only an examined mind could answer, perhaps. 

Maybe I was just too hard on myself. Thinking on how I'll escape things. I texted Tito Leo if he'll be free anytime of the day to talk about things, hence, it has been almost three weeks since the last time we see each other... So, we needed to catch up, and he noticed an unusual smile from me, I guess? That made him think I'm into something that is isn't really well. 

And he was right. Came Tuesday, it'll be Ayala's Awards Night at HyvE. Too sweet of my Mom, that although it was raining really hard the whole day, she still manage to come with me, and assist me. See? She's indeed a stage mom. From that very first day I started job hunting, my interview... until now that I'm working, she's still gleefully present. I somehow enjoyed the party though I needed to go home early since Mom is waiting for me, to my surprise I got a text message from Tito Leo, saying that he sent my an email regarding job vacancies already. 

So everything came in a blast the very next day. It was Wednesday, and I really don't know what bugged me, and whatever gave me an idea that I should, well... most likely end everything. I just got bored, or I just don't know what I was really doing. and then this opportunity came. Freedom. I'm going out of work. I resigned... and then that's it. Now, I'm becoming clueless. Maybe, I just wanted to relax, to sleep. To just go back to my summer days, without stress, and all? 

Yeah, I'm waiting for a week or two or I don't know. But I'll be waiting for the next big thing in Ayala. =)

I know. It’s been indeed a while, since the last time I talked to you sincerely. I’ve been working my ass off since the 2^nd of June. Somehow, I have adjusted, from being a total nocturnal person to a slightly adjusted morning person. Hence, still I don’t know what to feel about work. Slowly, I’ve been seeing the difficulties of life. How to work really hard, just to earn your own money. Really, it is never a joke to enter such a phase of life. Still imagining and stuck with all the perks of being a student. I somehow, wanted it, still. Craving for it. Desiring every moment that I could get, to go back to school. The freedom I gleefully share with all my friends, the time I could spend just strolling around the university. How I seriously missed school. The life I once had. Maybe that is the reason why, I kept on insisting myself to always go back to UST, and hangout with my friends. I haven’t let go. I haven’t accepted that things changed.

Is it just me or am I fooling myself? I know in myself, the certain problem. Yet, its answers but I don’t know how to concretize them altogether. This has been such a terrible remark on me. I haven’t grasped the load of work I got at the moment. Still sleeping, or simply living in the past. Half-awake, half-hearted. I’m beginning to realize that life is not simply about me. It isn’t about getting what I want and what I wish for the day, it is all about working my ass off in order to get what is substantially meant for me. I’ve been slowly stressing myself to all the possibilities my job offers me. I may be in Ayala for a reason. A grandiose reason I haven’t really seen any of it yet. Yes, I’m closed with the idea of a cocoon, still afraid to let go, and let out of her larvae to make everyone see and notice how beautiful of a butterfly she could actually get. I am scared of life.

Slowly, it is becoming a majestic horizon, and at the same time, a puzzle to me. What do I really want? Where do I really want to go? Still, I am the fickle minded kid my Mom and friends try to understand. That, admittedly, even to myself still is at loss of everything that surrounds me. Am I ready? Do I really like what I’m doing? Have I adjusted really well? Is this really meant to be mine? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I have so many questions in mind that needs careful, and precise answers. I’m beginning to think more, and more of the endless reasons why my destiny brought me here.

Shall I call it destiny? For since that first day of my summer-free days… my feet led me here. To Tower One? Or am I just wanting something else. Am I being brat all over again? Getting bored and most of all, still doesn’t know what I really want? I am going back to the oldest existing question in my head, of which I created since I was a little girl. “WHY.” What for? Simple, yet the most complex question I have ever encounter. Still, it appears philosophical to me. I just can’t stop thinking, and asking. I’m not even sure where to stop searching… scrutinizing. Why?

This is getting slightly complicated, and overrated. I haven’t decided yet. I have entered something, I am not really certain off. I just wanted a job so badly, and God fulfilled and answered all my prayers, has given me the best company. Yet, here I am, still delving on the idea of my “why.” Surreal. I can’t compensate with myself anymore. I’ve been overthinking and stressing my own self. A total worrier of the things not yet happening.

I am such a pessimist and I can’t contain the idea of myself being such. I’ve never been so negative about life, until today. Something is wrong with me. This is not me. I should shoo away all these negative thoughts in my head, so that it won’t affect my entire system, and then later on, eat me up alive. L

My problem is that I fall in love with words, rather than actions. I fall in love with ideas and thoughts, instead of reality.

It's been the time of the year again, I don't know why I'm feeling this. Another phase, or yet another half-crisis of my life? I'm tired, I'm sick... of thinking, and thinking of so many possibilities. It's as if, I'm fooling myself with a lot of ideas and thoughts that makes me forget about reality. Seriously. I feel helpless, again. For a moment. Must I be feeling this way? But I'm confused, terribly. I don't know the reason behind this. I feel insane. I feel worthless, once again. I feel empty. I feel alone... again.

The question is, "Am I really happy?" In as much as I want to forget, and feel like, I'm happy... I know I am not. Because there will always be something missing. Something's wrong. Something's lacking. I'm incomplete. I feel lonely, I feel sad. I miss the idea of love. :( This feeling sucks, but it's nearly two years, and here I am... still alone. 

I feel like, no one's good enough for me, and that I am not good enough for anyone else. Likewise, still it's the same. I feel, incomplete... for a moment. But I know, I shouldn't make things worse, I shouldn't create a fuss out of it, maybe because it isn't the right time, yet. I just don't know when's the right time. I kinda feel bored, waiting. 

Whenever I try, the ending's always wrong. When will I ever feel right? I'm scared. I got this fear of being hurt. Yet, I can't love freely, and unconditionally. When will I ever learn to let go and embrace reality? This fantasy's killing me. :(

"THIS IS HOW YOU ALMOST DATE SOMEONE."
(The whole article isn't mine. Credits to the owner. Ms. Ella Ceron).

We existed in the strange in-between of the possible and the probable. It was in the unsaid, in the expected, in the logical next steps. Our friends accepted it, anticipated it, shook their heads and said, “It’s only a matter of time.” They’d ask sly questions and accuse us outright, and all we ever managed were shy smiles and hopeful maybes. We were almost dating. We almost dated.

But almost doesn’t count for much. Almost doesn’t bridge the gap from “not quite” to “yes.”

When you almost date someone, it’s not because you’re only doing things by halves. Everything depends on the build and the anticipation in that gray area of maybe. You do not keep your secrets from them, do not laugh at half the volume, do not kiss them with only half the intensity. Maybe you’re shy about how you feel. Maybe you hold back there, but that’s human nature, isn’t it? We want to protect our hearts. We’re afraid of handing them over too readily and too soon. And so we take our time. But in that hesitation, something can fall through.

To almost date someone is to go back on a promise no one had to keep, because it was a promise no one made. You live in limbo for a little while, nothing more, but it’s okay because you grow drunk on possibility and giddy with potential. The almost relationship is everything that could happen, everything that could be.

And it’s not like you imagine it all, and take a marathon when you see a mile. The signs are all there. Everyone sees them. You do not mistake a common laugh for a laugh that is just for you, and don’t confuse friendship for feeling special because for a brief and fleeting and glorious moment, you are. To almost date isn’t to misinterpret someone’s intentions. They did like you, they do like you. But the fact that you’re right is little consolation when it doesn’t pull through.

But when you almost date someone, something will give. Somehow the ends don’t meet. Either they meet someone new while you’re biding your time, or they move, or they just disappear. It’s easier to do than you think, between no longer answering calls and disappearing from Facebook and finding a new coffee shop. You may never know quite why, and you will be left wondering what else you could have done, how you could have been more, what you did wrong.

The truth is, though, that chances are you didn’t do anything wrong. Chances are you weren’t wrong. Chances are you were fine just as you are, and you know this deep down. It’s just easier to blame yourself, to create closure and sew the wound shut rather than letting it heal on its own. People won’t understand, and will smile sympathetically and say they really thought it would happen, too, and at least you weren’t official. As if a title would make it hurt more, as if because you were only hedging on your hope, you shouldn’t have been hurt. You were trying not to put your heart on the line. You were protecting it by taking things so slowly. And in that hesitation, you became a sitting duck.

To almost date someone is to bet on a sure thing and to walk away with nothing. It happens in casinos all the time. That’s how you gamble, that’s how you win big. The game isn’t supposed to be rigged in love, though we know we’re not going to win all the time. And yet we try, anyway, to go big or go home, because we do not do things by halves. We love and we care and we give other people our hearts even though we know they might spit them back out not because we’re naive, but because we’re optimistic. Because we have hope.

To almost date someone is to take that risk, and to dedicate yourself to something that might not pan out. Because lots of things don’t. Not everyone can get rich quick, and it takes a thousand failures to make a success. But one yes makes up for a dozen almosts. One yes is why we keep pegging all of our hopes on one person at a time.

Heartbreak from almost dating someone is no less real just because you didn’t have a title, because you didn’t meet the parents, because you never said “I love you” out loud. Because you sensed it. Because you felt that it could be there, really and truly. Because we were, but we weren’t, but we could have been.

Because you deserve to wear a special hat today! I love you, bro. Cheers! :)

Happy birthday brother love! :)

Today, marks an end, and a new beginning for me. Today, job hunting experiences and struggles, has finally ended. It was a tough week, a week of serious job hunting and interviews, from different companies. Since then Monday. I was exposed to commuting as well. It was an awesome experience though, I was accompanied personally by my Mom, also by her two messengers, Kuya Rolyn and Kuya Rey. Nonetheless, now I know what reality really is. Like, I have to exert effort if I really want it. Afterall, I don't give up easily, well actually... The moment I say I like it, and I want it to happen, I see to it that it will happen and I will definitely have it. Whatever it takes, I'll risk it all, but as a result, I have to have it. :) 

After a week, it has finally ended. I now found the right job suited for me. After all those training I had with a numerous interviews for those big companies, Solar TV, ABS-CBN, Cignal TV and different law firms in Ortigas, I got the face-to-face debate with the lawyer of the Philippine revolution, Atty. Pamfilo, and even Sykes, (which I tried, just for me to have an experience), I now have it at the tip of my fingers. AYALA LAND SALES INC. I'll be exposed to Sales and Marketing. More importantly, I could really use my skills with the job I chose. I'm very thankful for the opportunity given to me and my Mom by Tito Leo Abot. (I already made mention in my previous blog who he is.) Nonetheless, I know why God led me here, to this path. He believes in my capacity so much that I am really meant to be here. And I need not to ask him why. He has given me trials, experiences and exposures. He immersed me, and allowed me to see reality. And I'm more than happy and blessed with everything He has prepared for me. I'll just make things work, and grasp all these things with all my might. 

Also, I'm thankful for a gift of life and love given to my brother, Andre. We even had the chance to build new bonds and friendship with DJ and Nicole, also with Tito Joey. Hungry bellies were fed at our family dinner in celebration to Andrei's birthday at Mann Hann last night. For now, I can't really ask for more. Indeed, GOD is so good. He has the perfect timing for everything. 

Lesson learned: You don't have to spoil  and rush things, it'll definitely come, when you least expect it. ;)

What a day this day was :)

Thanks for the time brothers! Missed you both :>

Indeed, a long and fulfilling day for me. Can't really explain the happiness I got. I was at Ayala Land Inc., Tower One and Exchange Plaza right across Ayala Triangle for my initial interview with the Sales Director, Mr. Mike Tan, and was thoroughly briefed with what is in store for me for the job opportunity. I'm more than blessed to have the referral coming from the Associate Vice President of the company itself, Mr. Leo Abot, who happens to be a good High School friend of my Mom. Luckily, I was screened and I passed the interview, right the same day I got the call from the secretary of the Sales Director that I am for a scheduled interview the next day. Today, I do not have any idea where my application would really go. For, it is still hanging. No assurance on anything yet. But, I do believe that if this job is really meant for me, then I'll definitely have it. Afterall, I trust God's plans for me. 

On my way back to Shaw, with Mom. I received an sms from my good guy friends, Terence and Matt. I texted them this morning, if they would be free for lunch. We decided to meet at Glorietta, and yeah! Had our quick lunch at Burger King. I missed them both. I just can't really move on with the reality, well.... That we're all now wearing corporate attires. We're now in our own realities. Terence and I, got the same luck with our respective companies, while Matt is delving on to his Law school dream. Nonetheless, I could see slight changes in each of us... But one thing remains, we're still friends, indeed good friends. :) 

After our quick lunch, and tiny chitchat with each other, Matt and I head back to Taft. I decided to ride with him, so that I could fix my requirements at De La Salle University. Waited for a couple of minutes for the Admission's office to accommodate me, and yeah. I wasn't really expecting that I'll see my first love. You know him so well. And yes, it's a great good news. It's now gone, all gone. Zero feelings. Finally. And I'm proud to say that I finally found my true happiness with someone else. And perfectly doing well with my life, I'm in a good company, definitely one of the best in the Philippines, am bound to have good money, and living at a young age. I do have a happy family and I'm surrounded with happy people. More than enough, I know God has given me all these, simply because I deserve them. 

Thank You, so much Papa God. I'm more than happy and blessed. Indeed, all in God's perfect timing. :) 

Like mother-like daughter :> 

I would always want to rekindle to this simple yet complex question often asked to me by my teachers since I was a little girl, and perhaps until today. "Who is your favorite super hero?" And I would always gleefully say, "My Mom, Mama Hope, she is my wonderwoman!" In times of trouble and despair, she is there to be my HOPE and my light. The shadow of my dreams, my all around sister, sometimes an enemy, too. But most of all, my loving and hardworking Mom. Thank you, for the gift of life, love, and joy you've shared with me and my brothers. Thank you for bearing me in this world, I owe everything to you, Mom! You would always be my superhero. You would be my WONDERWOMAN. I love you so much, Mama! Just always remember as long as you're happy, we would always stay happy because you truly deserve it and you are our ultimate happiness. Thank you for being you, thank you for being my Mama and my Hope. Happy Mother's Day!