I know. It’s been
indeed a while, since the last time I talked to you sincerely. I’ve been
working my ass off since the 2nd of June. Somehow, I have adjusted,
from being a total nocturnal person to a slightly adjusted morning person.
Hence, still I don’t know what to feel about work. Slowly, I’ve been seeing the
difficulties of life. How to work really hard, just to earn your own money.
Really, it is never a joke to enter such a phase of life. Still imagining and
stuck with all the perks of being a student. I somehow, wanted it, still.
Craving for it. Desiring every moment that I could get, to go back to school.
The freedom I gleefully share with all my friends, the time I could spend just
strolling around the university. How I seriously missed school. The life I once
had. Maybe that is the reason why, I kept on insisting myself to always go back
to UST, and hangout with my friends. I haven’t let go. I haven’t accepted that
things changed.
Is it just me or am I
fooling myself? I know in myself, the certain problem. Yet, its answers but I
don’t know how to concretize them altogether. This has been such a terrible
remark on me. I haven’t grasped the load of work I got at the moment. Still
sleeping, or simply living in the past. Half-awake, half-hearted. I’m beginning
to realize that life is not simply about me. It isn’t about getting what I want
and what I wish for the day, it is all about working my ass off in order to get
what is substantially meant for me. I’ve been slowly stressing myself to all
the possibilities my job offers me. I may be in Ayala for a reason. A grandiose
reason I haven’t really seen any of it yet. Yes, I’m closed with the idea of a
cocoon, still afraid to let go, and let out of her larvae to make everyone see
and notice how beautiful of a butterfly she could actually get. I am scared of
life.
Slowly, it is becoming
a majestic horizon, and at the same time, a puzzle to me. What do I really
want? Where do I really want to go? Still, I am the fickle minded kid my Mom
and friends try to understand. That, admittedly, even to myself still is at loss
of everything that surrounds me. Am I ready? Do I really like what I’m doing?
Have I adjusted really well? Is this really meant to be mine? I don’t know. I
really don’t know. I have so many questions in mind that needs careful, and
precise answers. I’m beginning to think more, and more of the endless reasons
why my destiny brought me here.
Shall I call it
destiny? For since that first day of my summer-free days… my feet led me here.
To Tower One? Or am I just wanting something else. Am I being brat all over
again? Getting bored and most of all, still doesn’t know what I really want? I
am going back to the oldest existing question in my head, of which I created
since I was a little girl. “WHY.” What for? Simple, yet the most complex
question I have ever encounter. Still, it appears philosophical to me. I just
can’t stop thinking, and asking. I’m not even sure where to stop searching…
scrutinizing. Why?
This is getting
slightly complicated, and overrated. I haven’t decided yet. I have entered
something, I am not really certain off. I just wanted a job so badly, and God
fulfilled and answered all my prayers, has given me the best company. Yet, here
I am, still delving on the idea of my “why.” Surreal. I can’t compensate with
myself anymore. I’ve been overthinking and stressing my own self. A total
worrier of the things not yet happening.
I am such a pessimist
and I can’t contain the idea of myself being such. I’ve never been so negative
about life, until today. Something is wrong with me. This is not me. I should
shoo away all these negative thoughts in my head, so that it won’t affect my
entire system, and then later on, eat me up alive. L
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