"Dear, Kuya"

"Dear, Kuya"

I refused to write you something, until today. Until last night, actually. I've been thinking whether to continue writing this, and yeah. Here it is. Maybe. But I hate the word "maybe" it gives me so much to think about, even the word "soon". It's as if these two words makes me wonder, even wander, perhaps. Anyway, I just want to say "thank you" and "sorry". Twice with the latter. I know what we have right now is a form of an accident, as I always say, everything's an accident. :)

I'm so sorry, if only if I can do anything to make you feel that my apology's real and sincere, I would've risked it, just for you to feel my "sorry". I'm so sorry. I'm sorry if you're feeling like you're just a nobody to me, that I'm just being too passive on you. That I'm just taking you for granted, just because I know you're there. That, I don't fucking care at all, but believe me... I'm doing all these thing for a reason. Or... Wait, I don't want to say that I was unconscious, for I know it was the other way around. Reversely, consciously unconscious, let's just put it that way.

I just want you to know that I'm not that of a mushy type of person, I'm not showy, I'm not clingy. I don't know. But this is me. I remember you asking me, "gusto mo pa bang mabago 'yan?" then I answered "Ayoko". I was certain then, I really don't like, just because this is my way of knowing how far the person could go. How long the person could stay. I'm not asking you to stop being who you are, to stop being clingy, being a nagger, being a bossy, being stubborn, being corny, and most of all, being a smoker. Just because I know, I can't do anything about it.

I'm just uncomfortable kissing guys who constantly smokes. It's as if, you're transferring something to me. Hahaha. Anyway, just sharing. I'm writing you this, just because... I want you to know that I care. It's just that, I can't tell you everything in visible words. In words being said, but in words, inevitable. With words, written. It appears to me that it is "more" sincere. It is more sweet, even more spontaneous. That's why, I'm writing this. I don't normally say a person that he/she's special to me. Not even you, but... I "think" you're special to me. Again, I "think". Makes sense? Haha. :) Anyway, I also think that today's a great timing to tell you "something". Maybe not with visible words, but with inevitable words, as I distinguished.

First, I just want to reiterate that I'm not a texter, I'd normally text, once or twice a day, and that's enough, I guess. If you could still remember the last time I told you, "good morning sms that makes the person feel that he/she's the first person that entered mind the moment you wake up, and "good night sms, that makes the person that he/she's the last person that you you remembered right before going to sleep". That's even sweeter, I guess. It's as if... You're making the other person feel special, more special even more. Even for a short while, not for the whole day that you'll nag him to text. ;p 

Second, I don't like being called every now and then, it appears to me that you're being too clingy, (even though I know, you are really a solid one). I find it too unreasonable though, especially if there's nothing to talk about, if you have nothing important to say, I thought you're already matured, that's why you'd understand. But do you even believe in the saying.. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" I don't want to explain how I feel about it, but it's beyond something. Something, beyond words, and beyond actions. Yes, it is. :) 

Third, everything must be in moderation. Have I ever told you... "Love is a slow dance?" Can we just take everything slow, even slower?v I'm not even sure with what I "certainly" feel about this thing that we have, I'm not ready for a commitment, and I know it would take me a lot of time and courage to believe in commitments again. But I know, and I feel that I'm enjoying you, your company. Hell, I've been through a lot, you may not want to believe it, even me, but I don't know. You're viewing me as a person built with "wisdom from books" not built with "wisdom from experiences" right? Though, maybe you're right... But not in the context of romantic relationships. I maybe young, but I've been through different kinds of relationships. That maybe affected me so much, and made me into someone who I am now today. They taught me things I needed to know, and change. 

Fourth, I appeal to reason, not emotions. Just because I don't want to be fooled again, by my emotions. I know it's quite redundant if I say that they must go together (heart and mind), but would you believe me if I tell you... that the reason why our mind's positioned superior over our hearts' because it must come over it? Always over it? Haha. Never mind. I'm saying something irrelevant, though. 

Fifth, I'm immature. I'm a fault-finder. That's the reason why a lot of my relationships from the past failed, always fail? and I don't know if I already find remedies for it, I tried, but I failed. Still, I'm in the processing of re-building myself back again. Process of forgiving myself for believing in abstract things. Just because I was lost. I'm lost. I lose, and I had the loss. And I'm still searching for myself. I just hope you'll understand. I know you understand, but more understanding, and patience. Please? 

I'm not asking you to stay, not even go away. If you can't stay, if you can't stand me, you may go. I ain't going to stop you, but I just want you to know that... I'm needing someone who wouldn't give up on me no matter how many times I mess up. It is your choice, whether to stay or just go. I'm not forcing you. I just want you to know that, I'm enjoying every pinch of it, (of our late night conversations), still looking for forward to a particular day.

To that day when I've been wanting to have a coffee date with you, just casual talk. I'm a coffee and talkative person, I talk a lot. Just everything under the sun. I'd gleefully enjoy that, rather than watching movies, especially those I can't get anything in particular. Haha. Anyway, it seems like I've been spending much of my time typing this. As much as I want to say more, let's just... Uh. Give it some other time. Surely, there would still be a next time. For now, "less is more."

Less is more. Kuya Jeff. :)

PS: Let me call you Kuya Jeff, it makes me feel more comfortable. So, talk to you later. :D