He "was" a very witty complex man |
things "don't want" to happen- but "have" to accept
things "don't want" to know- but "have" to learn
people we "can't" live without- but "have" to let go
I don't see the connection of freedom with today's celebration, 115th Independence Day, in light with those people who are currently single. I don't fucking care. Actually, this post is written out of curiosity, as the blogger would say. Yes, the blogger's a bit curious to the "with" and "without" in exercising her right to freedom. But just like, what the picture says above, this quest is an irony. Again, I feel lost. No, I'm actually lost. The road not taken, gloomy, blurry and in chaos. In total misleading and destruction. That's what appears to me, the past few days. I've been thinking about my road "not" taken. Actually, there were roads, but I didn't know, why I just let them slipped my hands. Never I'd thought I would be this hard on myself. Indeed, I've seen this "extreme" side of me, that people are saying. I have "two" extreme personalities. Really, that's even more confusing. Sadly, I didn't try crossing... Just because I'm afraid. Yes, I'm afraid of the what ifs. And maybe, what's wrong with me is that, I think "first". I think too quickly, I preempt things that aren't happening yet. Now, that is the real problem.
Still, the downside of "taking" the road alone, without being totally prepared and geared up is also a factor, I'm thinking of the great risk that might lead me to danger, if ever I'll take it alone. I would've had a companion, if I'd let them to, anyway, but the thing is.. I chose to be alone, rather than being with someone who might just probably, cling on me the entire journey. This is not a good assumption, I know. But I'm just putting immediate guards to it. Thus, prevention's always better than cure. Right? Maybe, they're right. Yes, they were right. I'm not going to make it, if I'll remain too cowardice with my life. However, I still haven't figured out "what" went wrong. I mean, "where" did I exactly go wrong? I have to admit, I know I'm at fault, I have no one else to blame, but myself. I just can't figure out "which".
Thunderstorm, rainy and gloomy. This seem to be "where" I am exactly, right now. Fed up of everything, keeping all emotions to my heart, without even thinking that it might explode, soon. I could feel that's already filled with hate, anger and remorse, but still.. I'm keeping all of them, it's as if I'm taking care of them. And wouldn't want them to go, they're slowly hurting me, crushing me into pieces, even defines my existence. Unconscious, I allow all these emotions eat me alive, I allowed "them" to kill my the "real" me. It's strange that I stayed on hold. I didn't do anything to make things even, I didn't look for remedies to fix these problems. "With" me consciously "knowing" that I can't live life "without" other people by my side. I'm just too in denial about it. "I" know.
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