Save yourself from the heartache. Go now before it's too late~

October 28, 2012
Sunday: The Sunday Philosophy Club. I bought Daniel Steel's Perfect Strangers and Bittersweet. Awww. I was damn happy :)

Yuuuuh. I've been taken away from my country, I've been taken away from you.
We were thinking we would never be apart. With your name tattooed across my heart. Oh, who would've thought it would end up like this. This is strange. Bakit ganito? WHY OH WHY? Why am I feeling this way again? Once, I told myself, ayoko na. :/ I should end it there. And I ended it there. -___- I forgot, ilang months na nga 'yung nakalipas? I'm guessing around 6 months or so? :\ Bakit ganun? Wala nakong maramdaman? Zero feelings na ko for him. Kung hindi pa sinabi ni Mum sa akin na "Uyy, si Jared 'yun di ba?" I won't care at all. Kahit oo, kitang kita ko sa peripheral view ko na may nakatingin sa kin. I even looked back, yuuh. I thought somebody familiar lang. But I just ignored him, I don't want physical contact. I just don't want to feel anything (again) I don't wanna make things even harder. Gets mo? Ayoko nang magkaroon nang kahit anong connection from you, the day I called it end, that's the end of it.

Okay, call me immature and secluded, closed minded and all. But I ain't gonna change my mind. It's not because of anything. "Save yourself from the heartache. Go now before it's too late." I told myself. No. Let me scratch that, I reminded myself. Alam kong he was right there, looking at me. Plus ito pang si Mum, paulit ulit.. "Naglue na 'yung mga mata sa'yo." Unexpected. Yea, that was unexpected. I never knew I could see him there. But it's weird, I've been trying to control and seize everything. Yet wala. :/ Nothing. I didn't feel anything, except.. "Awkwardness." Nothing but that. :O Constantly, he reminds me of this thing. "Should I give up or should I keep on chasing pavements?" Perooo. Ayoko na talaga. Sayang 'yung oras. Nasasayangan ako, kasi feeling ko.. Wala nang patutunguhan. It's breaking my heart, cause I know, I'm not the only one involved in this affair. Naiisip ko kapag magkasama kami, or magkausap kami.. 'Gaah, hindi lang ako 'yung gusto niya. May iba. I am not the only one.' By that, I know, I'll never be happy, completely happy. Okay lang sana, kung ako lang. Kung ako lang. Pero parang malabong mangyari, hangga't may epal, hangga't hindi pa niya nilelet go 'yung isa. Nahihirapan nakong umasa. Or may pagasa pa ba para samin? Nakakabaliw. Nakakahigop ng lakas. Feeling ko nga, unti unti nakong nauupod. Parang isang kandila, sana dumating na 'yung time na 'yun noh. 'Yung completely, upod na talaga ko. Pagod na ko. Pagod na pagod na. :/ Ayoko na siya sa buhay ko. Ayoko na siyang maalala. Bakit ba kasi 'di ko siya magawang alisin sa buhay ko? Nakakainis. Alam ko nagtagumpay na ko sa loob ng 6 months. I was happy. Yes, I was.

Until I see him again. And 'yun. Back to start. Simula na naman nang pagkalimot ko. 'Yung everyday, binabangon mo 'yung sarili mo sa pain, na clueless ka kung hanggang kailan mo pagdadaanan. Hanggang kelan nga ba 'to? Kelan ba 'to matatapos? Di ko maanticipate kung hanggang kailan ako ganito, baliw baliwan. Ang hirap. Sobrang bearable. Of all people, of all places. WHYYY HIM AND WHY HERE? -___- This is not good. This ain't doing me any better at all. :( Memories, old good memories. Ghastly, these memories kept on haunting me. Slowly killing me, pounding me more and more. :/ Nattrigger lang lalo 'yung pagkainis ko, everytime I go online, and see him, and all that. Kung before, whenever I see him, nagagawa ko pang magtext. This time, nooooo. I said, "Ayoko na, it's over." Let's grow separately, first. Tanggap ko naman nang hindi na tayo pwede. Hindi na, kasi nag give up na 'yung isa sa atin. Siguro nga, love isn't enough, so as friends come to an end. Kahit 'yung friendship, hindi narin natin nagawang isave. Nakakalungkot, nakakapanghinayang. Pero.. We just have to accept na hanggang dito nalang tayo. No more us, no more turning back. Just that. Good bye. I just hope you'll find true happiness with who ever, soon.