(5:29AM)- I just got home from the most awesome party, and the most unforgettable coffee date.
Philosophy and Life on a Table: Commitment and Promise
Sometimes, it takes a sip of coffee, just a sip of coffee to be a renewed person. To feel closer to one’s soul, and even closer to the person that you mostly admire. I consider this day as the BEST DAY of my lifetime. Not to mention that I attended a party. An unusual college party, I was from the benchmark party at Double KK Super Club at Tomas Morato, Quezon City. I won’t start this blog entry with how I usually start my normal blog entries. Because today, someone got her heart back again; her heart got fixed again. And yeah, I am no longer broken. I used to feel empty and broken for the past eight months, for I was alone. Incredibly alone, but today everything has changed. A not so ordinary change, but a change of the heart: A change of belief, a better foundation of myself. You might not want to believe me that I’m sounding so different with this entry, but what I just want to do is to write. To write straight from the heart.
I am not writing this because I am in love. Neither, I am in state of desperation to feel in love again. Because honestly I’ve already forgotten the real meaning of love, that certain feeling of being in a mutual kind of relationship. Not until today. I don’t know what I am exactly feeling, I can’t say that I am “again” in love, because I uncertain of it YET. But there’s a huge chance that I am. (I apologize for I am sounding a bit vicious here), it’s just that I can’t understand what I feel. But I know what I feel. I can’t tell, because my heart does not understand it. It’s a bit complicated, but I know it’s getting there. I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there. I am now. Near.
You might not understand where I’m coming from, but let me tell you, there is this “uncertainty” with my interpretation of the word “existence”. This has not been my acknowledged dilemma, but now it attacks me again. Today I experienced real philosophy and life, literally on a table. Indeed, it is really best served when cold, and during the wee hours of the night, like around 1am to five in the morning. Believe me, I am now a renewed person. And this is no joke. I felt it the moment I experienced certainty, time, reality and rare chances on hand. I never come to a point wherein I’d realize that I’ll be talking to Mr. Dentzen Villegas this long. Like this substantial, and plausible, but still having fun. It was all philosophical, and of course life-changing, inspiring and an eye-opener.
I wouldn’t mind being bothered in the middle of my concentration playing 4Pics 1Word by my blockmates just to get done of all these paraphernalia for the benchmark party, neither sacrificing my time and effort helping instead of beautifying myself for the party. Not even the struggle of wearing four-inched stilettos for a couple of hours, dancing all night, trying to set and keep the mood of hosting the party for my seniors? It’s not about these things. Rather it is about being committed to a promise.
Commitment and promise: Sir Denz made me realize a lot of things today. Not only in life, relationships, includes the broken ones, also with my faith and religion. It is during these rare opportunities of being a closer to my seniors, to my crush, but most of all. Even closer to myself. Seems like I’ve already found the missing links of my backbone. I was like throwing a lot of arguments, without having a strong foundation. Perhaps that’s the reason why I couldn’t call myself real. Not even complete. Because I acknowledge that I am incomplete, for I haven’t found the other half.
Believe me. Yesterday I was bitter. But now I am moving on. I am moving forward. I may have let go of those good choices in life, but that doesn’t mean I should blubber about them. It is how much and how often you’ve been hurt, it is just about creating the good choices, or even the best choices in life. Coming from Sir Denz, those people who are agnostic and atheists are bitter in life. Admittedly, yesterday I was not until today. It is not because he makes me kilig every time he speaks, every time he looks at me. But it is those flashy and brilliant advises that make me want to talk to him longer. I would even create debatable arguments just to keep our conversation going, I wouldn’t want him to stop talking, because when that moment comes, I might feel the regress. My heart that pumps again: faster and faster when silence succumbs the perfect but not so perfect avenue.
It is my attitude of being a perfectionist that slowly kills me. It is my selfishness, my absurdity and clinginess to temporary and fleeting reflections of an existence. I don’t mind suffering my sleep for today just to produce this blog entry. But hell, this is worth-reading. Worth-remembering: thinking that this is very unusual of me writing this way, except when it is really needed. But today, something simply triggered me. And it is just because of an iced coffee.
Yeah. An iced coffee made me write all these things. No, honestly, it is Mr. Dentzen Villegas. After a year, I was able to ride a guy’s car again, seating in front. Seating beside him in his car, it is a one in a billion chances that students would experience the same thing. A professor who’d gleefully tell you, “I am just worried, if no one’s lifting you home, I will.” And that’s it. I mean, I was able to forget everything that happened in the party, those fun and nasty games with them, the enthusiasm and energy of keeping the party alive. The party going, dancing drinking like there’s no tomorrow! And again realized that I deserve all these things, I deserve to be happy.
“No need to apologize. It was my pleasure to answer them.” –Mr. Dentzen Villegas. I can’t believe that we’re now texting, and I might forget that he has a girlfriend, too bad. But still, I feel so kilig. I even have with me the receipt of our bill from that coffee treat and the plate number of his Vios car. (By the way, I am not a stalker, I just want to keep memories, a good memory of him, for there’s a possibility that this is time last time that I’ll be seeing him). And yeah, I just made the right choice. The right decision of staying late with them. I got the chance to be with him, at least.
That brings me so much joy, although I know it is impossible. But still it matters to me. I couldn’t think of anything else nor anyone else anymore after what had happened tonight. Spending a couple of hours with him was magical. As it is just about dream, that I wouldn’t want to wake up anymore. Still I feel like I’m floating. The best feeling ever, I wouldn’t want to forget this goddamn memory with him that’s why I’m keeping a record for this day. I may have forgotten the rest of the stories for today, but never my moments with Sir Denz. For a moment, at least I felt complete. Somebody reminded me that I am complete for being incomplete. Today, I just want to take the risk, to let go all of my fears and continue living. It doesn’t matter whether I’ll fall down, get a back-up, and have a safety net. I might not have certainties, but what’s essentially good is the thought of trying and trying and never give up.
“You shouldn’t get tired”
“But we are just humans, Sir. People get tired.”
“Exactly. From pain and every heartbreak, but we will learn something from it.”
I can no longer recall the exact words and exchange of our lines of arguments earlier, but mind you, it took us three hours of cute philosophical debate of a student-teacher. And I am guilty of maximizing my time with him, I am doing all these line of arguments to throw over him, just because I want to talk to him longer. I want to stay with him longer. It could’ve been better if he lifted me home, right? But I, we, I mean insisted to take a cab instead, for we’ve been like eating much of his time already. It was all enough, for now? I guess. I just want more. And I am hoping that this won’t be the first and the last philosophy and life with him. I won’t ever forget this day; I mean I won’t ever forget him per se. All the best memories in life now unfolding in my dear online friend, this blogspot. No regrets, I was so blessed tonight and this morning.
So basically, what I’ve learn today is the “real philosophy of life”. Sir Pao is right; philosophy really starts on a table. Or in my case, starts outside the bar, chilling: talking about life for an hour. Today I was able to experience the real philosophy from a great man.
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