Six days ago, with a fleeting reflection: A fleeting angle across the window. Today, I couldn’t think of anything to write about. I feel so lost at the moment, again. I feel this sudden emptiness. I don’t know where I’m coming from exactly, but all I know is that I am lost. I am lost to life. I have been trying to fix myself, but no matter how hard I try to fix and myself back again? I always lose. I can’t identify exactly what I am into now, for I believe these all pile up and makes me feel like, a total strange to myself, again. I wonder why I would always have to face this war craft to myself. Wherein in the end, I know the result would always be the same? I’ll always end up miserable. And honestly, I don’t want what I’m producing right now, I’m sounding so dramatic again. And this is leading to nowhere. The only thing I know is that: The moment I starts writing such, I feel better. I just hope I’ll feel better after this.
Existence, I would always wonder why evil does exist. Why can’t it be all goodness? Then I paused for a moment and realized that I am starting be a product of evil, for I am surrounded with too many stress and not so faithful to Him. I’m starting to see that I am actually living the life away I wanted it to be. Two weeks ago, I told myself that I’ll find my way back serving the Lord. After that Easter Sunday celebration, the highest feast. I told myself that I’m not the real me anymore. The reason why I’m losing my life, I’m losing my existence.
“Araw ng Kagitingan”. I feel so great and courageous today the moment I acknowledged that I am not perfect, that something in me is wrong. That I am still incomplete. I am running out of words to say, for I’m feeling like, I am again sounding redundant. I kept on repeating previous emotions, and same old sharing is starting to fill this file. I feel sad for myself, for a moment I feel so lost and empty again.
PS: Again, I can't go on writing. I am just too preoccupied with so many things right now. This is a dead-end. I can't proceed anymore. I'm stuck in here. :(
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