'Are you trying to reject me and drop me off instead? 'Can't you see my worth?' In short.. 'SAWA KA NA BA SAKIN?' 'Ayaw mo na ba sakin?' Paki sabi naman o. Kasi, medyo nahihirapan nakong mag-isip at manghula kung dapat pa ba akong maghold on. Kasi, kung ganun naman pala, ibigay mo nalang ako sa iba o. Ipauba mo nalang ako sa iba, para naman mapakinabangan pa yung puso ko at yung pagkatao ko, para naman may mapasaya pa ako, hindi yung feeling ko, kinakaawaan nalang at pinagtitiyagaan ako. :( Sobrang nahihirap nako sa situation ko ngayon, I'm super confused, Idk where I'm actually standing right now. To go or not to go? Shall I take the risk or not? Kung sasabihin mo namang 'Karma is a bitch' well, di ako naniniwala diyan, kasi alam ko sa sarili kong, wala naman akong ginagawang masama, kung babalikan man ako ng bad karma. Sobrang sakit lang talaga. When he told me earlier. 'Promise, hindi ko na uulitin', tapos bigla niyang binawi. 'Ittry nalang daw pala niya.' And alam mo yung MAS masakit? When I told him, 'I was not jealous, I was just depressed, kasi.. Sabi mo, hindi ka na magsisinungaling.' Then, what he replied to me was.. 'Ganun talaga'. :( Sheet. Sobrang nadurog lang yung puso ko dun, but then I smiled in return, trying to divert what I've just heard. I know it's painful, yes, but I'm getting used to it. Nagiging sadist narin yata ako pati sa sarili ko. Sunud-sunod narin naman kasi yung mga nangyayari. Not that, I'm still expecting so many things from him, not that I'm ranting things from him. But. Oh noes. I don't think I deserve this kind of treatment, I mean, wala pang lalaking gumaganito sakin. Bakit kailangan siya pa? :( Siya na nga yung sineryoso ko, tapos ganito pa. I'm getting more cautious, I'm preventing myself of being hurt, but the more I do that, the more I get hurt. Yuhhh. I know, it sucks. And I don't like it this way. I'm beginning to tremble, I'm starting to loose some control, and I'm beginning to feel like, I'm a worthless being. Srsly, I feel ugly. :(
Pangit ba ako? Bakit kailangan pang maghanap ng iba? Hay. Bakit kailangang maging sweet pa sa iba? Hindi pa ba ako sapat sa'yo? :( That you want another someone in your life? Or.. Should I say, 'Am I the only one?' For, I don't feel like, I am still the one, that I'm just THE ONE. :( Can't you see, I'm hurting, and inside I'm dying. Honestly, this is the reason why, I'm trying to detach myself from him. Like, trying to avoid physical contacts with him, cause the more we get close, the more we get intimate, the more I give myself to him. And I guess, that's a no no. It was heart pounding then, when he told me last night na, 'How can you keep a man then, if you're like that?' It's as if he's saying na, 'Boring ako'. Cause I can't do or give the things that a man desires. It's just that, I'm not an aggressive type of girl, I'm not that showy, I'm this more like, a hopeless romantic type who believes that hugs and kisses are enough to prove one's love, and that, I think it's sweeter, and more tender. And oh, it's cute. Hay. Am I not yet enough? Am I not that interesting for you anymore? :( Are you trying to look for another one? :( Baam. I've got tons of questions in my mind, and it's starting to eat me up. I've never been jealous and serious like this before. But I just want an assurance, that.. IT IS STILL ME. It is just ONLY ME. :( Another realization, I'm trying to distance myself, since then nagbalikan kami, ngayon naman, he told me. 'Tigang na daw siya sakin'. At the back of my mind, I didn't get what he meant. Cause srsly, Idk the meaning of tigang, so I have to seek for a Google translation pa, that means 'dry'. Pero, I'm still curious, hindi ko parin talaga nagets. :o Not until he told me what he wants. He even told me, baka daw kapag naging aggressive ako, mag-stick na daw ULIT siya sakin. :( Another depressing reality. So ganun? So kailangan ganyan? Okay. At least, inamin niya. He's not that into me naman na pala e. :( Soooo why still be like this? Sooo what's the purpose of being US pa? :( Isn't we're both torn? So, why don't we just hang up? It's starting to choke us na e. :(
And omg. Ngayon lang ako dumating sa point ng.. 'DotA or AKO?' Ang sakit pala. I was not that into this matter before, as in. I've never been to this kind of sitch, kasi yung mga pasts ko naman, ako lang talaga. :( As in ako langggg. Never naman silang nahilig sa DotA, for them, enough na ako. (Hayyy. Ang sakit din palang mag-reminisce, lalo na't iba na nga pala ang lahat ngayon. Sobrang namimiss ko yung mga ganitong instances na sa sobrang pagkamiss ko sakanya, lalambingin ko lang siya, (free will ko 'yun, tapos magiging masaya na kami..) Ayoko nang mag-isip, ayoko nang mag-reminisce, nasasaktan lang ako lalo. Hindi naman ako yung tipo ng girlfriend na reklamador, pero.. Kung mas gusto mo naman talaga mag-DotA, kesa sa makasama ako. Ode sige, okay lang. Medyo may kirot lang, kasi.. I was the one na nga who planned para magkasama ka, yet, he's in deep hesitation pa, if he'll meet me yet or not. :( Gosh. Sobrang daming instances na sunud-sunod na nagpapakitang.. HE'S NOT INTO ME ANYMORE. :( Soooo anong dapat kong gawin? Naguguluhan naman ako. Ayoko namang ipilit na naman yung mga gusto ko. Kasi nga, I'm being a nice person na, I'm being fair and square na, pero sige langggg. :( Kahit masakit. Okay. Pero. Sheeet. Sana maupod na yung kandila kong ito. Sana one time. Marealize ko rin na.. I shouldn't be treated this way. Handa naman akong magpakatanga, or magpagamit, sige lang. Habang mahal pa kita. Pero sana, wag mo namang sayangin yung mga pagkakataon na, ganito ako sa'yo. Kasi, minsan na nga lang 'to mangyari. :( Srsly, this is very depressing on my part. Like, it's very unbearable, sobrang naffrustrate na talaga ako, kung dati hindi siya consistent. Ngayon.. HINDI NA TALAGA. Sobrang hesitant parin siya kung magspent siya sometime with me. :( Omg. What is the meaning of this? Wala ng spark? Ugh. :( Willing naman na akong magpaka aggressive para lang sa kanya e. Kahit naman wala sa pagkatao ko 'yun, pero dahil gusto niya, and I know, that would satisfy him, ode sige. Okay lang. Mahal ko siya e. :( Pero sana naman. Ma-notice rin niya, na I've changed, since 2012 entered, wala nakong ibang bagay na ginagawa, para makapag pasakit sa kanya, iniiwasan ko na lahat ng lalaking dumidikit at nagtatangkang manligaw sakin. :( I remembered the issue about receiving gifts, oo. Tumanggap ako ng dalawang plushie sa dalawang magkaibang lalaki. Pero, ano yung ibig sabihin nang.. Yung girlfriend mo, hindi mo naisipang bigyan ng something, pero yung ibang babae, meron? :( Di ba.. Ang unfair lang kasi. Hanggang sa dumaan yung eleventh monthsary namin, wala parin. :( Haaay. I was waiting, pero wala. I ended up, loser. :) I prepared something for him then, pero hindi ko nalang binigay, kasi parang ang awkward naman. :) He didn't even remember naman pala. Hihi. :) Baka magmukha pa akong assuming. :)
'Kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto, maraming paraan' :) Naaalala ko parin when he told me, he's picking my first option that.. He'll stop with his thing, and will continue with what we have. Pero, sobrang contrast dun sa sinabi niya kanina, 'Ganun talaga, and nung binawi niya yung statement niyang hindi na niya uulitin to.. 'Ittry ko lang pala.' That's it, exactly. Ayoko nalang magsalita, tatahimik nako. Ayoko nang maging tanga. Promise, naiiyak nako. Marami pa namang iba dyan, Adrienne o. Ang daming nakapila. Pansinin mo naman kasi. Wag kang magpakabulag. :( You're slowly pushing me away, I can feel it, slowly, you're making me feel like, ayaw mo na sakin, nagsasawa ka na sakin. Ayokong pangunahan ka. Kung ayaw mo na, paki sabi naman o. :( Hindi yung papapaniwalain ko yung sarili ko na, mahal mo ako, kasi lagi mong sinasabi sakin, pero deep inside, HINDI NA PALA? :( Sana maging honest ka sa nararamdaman mo towards me, hindi yung pampalubag loob lang. (Well, I'm just saying, if ever lang naman) I'm ready to accept realities naman e. 'If you really are important to him, then he would always make time for you, no matter what.' About the DotA issue, masakit pala. Ngayon ko lang narealize. I allowed him once, pero sana.. Nakita niya rin yung sincerity ko na, sana kapag ako yung gumawa ng way, maappreciate mo, and sana ako yung PILIIN mo. :( It's as if rubbing unto my face, I'm choosing DOTA OVER YOU. :( So go back to your senses, Adrienne. You deserve to be happy, kung ayaw niya, ode wag. Wag mo nang ipilit yung sarili mo. Ewan ko ba sa'yo. Ang tanga mo rin pagdating sa pag-ibig e. Di ba matalinong tao ka? Bakit ka nagpapakatanga sa kanya? :( Sheet. Enough. Promise, 'KUNG AYAW NIYA, WAG MO NANG IPAGPILITAN PA YUNG SARILI MO, IKAW LANG DIN ANG MAHIHIRAPAN' :)
So I'm setting you free. If that's what you want me to do, then.. I'm giving you you're freedom, pero sana maappreciate mo rin naman yung mga efforts ko. Ngayon na nga lang ako nag-eeffort o. Ngayon mo pa babaliwalain. :( Minsan lang ako mag-effort, maging proud ka, kasi ikaw lang pinag-effortan ko ng ganito. :( Pero hindi naman kita pinipilit na mag-stick parin sakin ULIT e. Kung hindi mo na kaya at kung ayaw mo na, at sawa ka na sakin.. Pwede paki sabi naman o. Hindi yung pinahihirapan mo ako ng ganito :) Salamat. :)
With all these things.. Slowly, I'm trying to get what you want to say.. Cause you're slowly pushing me away. You're slowly dropping me off. And that's what I feel. :(
No comments:
Post a Comment