I Felt "It" -Somehow

Feel the rain on your skin.

I, I felt it. I thought it is impossible. It "was" impossible. But I felt the affection of the rain, touches my skin. It was ridiculous. To that point that, I wouldn't want to believe that is real. Prematurely, it was real. "Somehow", in a way yes, I wouldn't want to fool myself, but indeed it is true. Whenever I feel the emptiness, this hallow space in my heart, no matter how insensitive and hard I am, there would always, there would always be this "someone" whose going to fill in those emptiness, and would turn those loneliness to laughter. "Somehow". I feel uncertain though, just because this isn't a relationship. This is a hook-up thingy. I wouldn't want to put a label to this, until.... I feel the security and that assurance that I'm looking for.

I want to feel loved, I want to be caressed, and pampered. Just someone whose willing to wrap me in his arms, someone to hold, and never let go. "Never let go", even I asked him to go each time I feel bipolar. Thus, I know I don't have any obligations with anyone else, but myself. It is these people's choices whether they'll stay or not, just continue whatever they want, without certainty. But... I am the one, whose "somehow" seeking for that certainty. I can't understand what it is. When he told me, "May aaminin ako sa'yo, this time... There's feelings, I'm starting to like you." This crunches my head. It was just "starting". Meaning, it is something uninstalled yet, it is something in existent yet. It made me feel, I shouldn't go any far. Farther than "liking" the person.

I felt anguished, even more confused. As much as I was trying to feel sensitively insensitive, I'd rather think, and feel that is even harder to deal with my tremendously, unexplainable thinking. Or maybe, I am just over-thinking? Again. Just whenever I say, I like him, too. There's this part of me, saying... "Are you sure? Are you even sure with what you're saying?" Or is it just because, I miss the  heavenly like, feeling of having someone. I mean, I'm used to relationships, but why am I choosing to be hooked up this time? It's not that I am not ready, perhaps it's because... I just don't want to fall in love again. Simply because, I'm scared. Just scared. And it is unreasonable. I know, it's unfair. Still,  tolerating my fickleness.

Clueless, and indecisive. Am I being too desperate to shoo everyone away from me? To do everything just for them to feel unwanted, just for them to feel that I don't need them in my life? On a second thought, I consider myself pathetic for doing this. I am nothing. But a sour-graper. Too bitter and pessimist about life, that there's more to life, than pain. Why can't I just accept that I failed, and move on? That it's not the end-goal of my life. Maybe I should give it a try? Just another try. It won't harm me though.