Por eso es que, Te Amo.

July 31, 2012 (Tuesday)

Sab: I wish you knew you have my heart. Good morning, Zaf Babe! :* Hope reading this makes you smile. :D I love you! :*

Zaf: Good morning din, babe! You always make me smile. :D I love you. Kita tayo after class kahit sandali lang. Miss na kita e. But no kisses. Baka mahawa ka e.

POV ko...

Well, yung totoo.. Sobrang fucked up na talaga ng feeling ko these past few days. Hmm. Since Monday I guess. If I remember it right. Well yea. Ang babaw ng reason ko. Medyo lang naman, pero kasi. Eto yung point ko e. Ayoko ng sinasanay ako sa isang bagay, tapos later on. Biglang babawiin or biglang mawawala. Or.. Biglang nalang magbabago, all of a sudden. Without me even knowing the reason behind it. Like.. "WHY?" Just why, I just need to know why. I won't question anything am aware of the answer naman e. It's just that. I'm curious or worried.. WHY. :O

No more "Good morning beautiful! Not even babe in the morning. :( Well. Ang babaw ko na talaga. Oo na, pero you can't blame me naman siguro for feeling such e. Kasi parang yun na nga lang yung pinaka highlight ng day ko e. Like, I am considering it as an inspiration to start my day right, yet.. Biglang nawala. Kahit isang text unti-unting nawawala. Wait. Hindi ko alam kung nagpapamiss ba siya or whatsoever. Or sadyang busy lang talaga siya e. I am torn. Kasi I am feeling sad and empty. Pero at the same time, I'm trying to give a fuck, like.. I have to understand him. I know naman that he's been sick. But still. I don't think it's a good excuse for him not to mind me. :O Grabe lang. Eto na naman ako. Nag-ooverthink na naman sa napakaraming bagay. Like. Information Overload. Sasabog na naman. :O

Super dami ko lang talagang naiisip, at the same time naiisip. Like super mind boggling questions and stuff na nafoformulate sa utak ko. :( Ayokong maging clingy and all. And never akong magiging ganun. Kaya as much as possible, di ko talaga pinaparamdam na I super long for him. Nagiging mystery na siya sakin. Nagstart na kong mabother. Is he like trying to tell me indirectly na he's loosing interest in me na? Boo. It makes me feel ohhh so saaad. Wag naman sana. Last day pa naman ng July ngayon. Sobrang lungkot pa ng weather. :O And Birthday pa naman ni Mama Mercy. I don't wanna feel emprty, as much as possible gusto ko good vibes lang the whole day. Pero I just can't help myself e. :(

But no worries, kahit pa I went back a little earlier than the usual sa UST. (Every time na magkikita kami after his 7pm class), well.. Just the mere fact na nag-effort akong magpunta dun. Ugh. Ehh kasi I adjusted for him e. Grabe lungssss. Huhuhu. Ang sakit kaya. Super. Try mo. First time 'to ah. Pucha talaga! HAHAHA. Ewan. Carry on lang. Wala naman kasi akong magagawa e. Go with the flow nalang. Actually, medyo teary-eyed na nga ako habang naglalakad ako e. Well. Ito nalang inisip ko: Double purpose naman kasi talaga yung pagbalik ko ng UST that time e. I stayed 'til 7:30pm (almost) just walking around, after kong magstay sa chapel and pray for Mama Mercy for like more or less 20 minutes. Then yun. I was just waiting for him, well. For his reply pala. Pero hell yeah. Ang sayaaaa. Wala. Gusto ko nang umupo sa pain na naramdaman ko nun e. Sobrang binaba ko na kaya yung girl principles ko nun. Sobraaaaa. As in sobraaa sobraaaa. (Sa point of view ko) for this is what I did..

I texted him for us to meet, like: "Uy saan ka? Kakatapos ko lang maglibrary, di na po tayo kita? :( Uwi nalang me. :) Ingat po pauwi. Don't forget to eat. Xoxo.

Shocks. Grabe lang talaga yung ginawa kong yun. Kasi naman e. Sabi niya kasi magkikita kami after his class e. Pero no text at all, more like super nganga tuloy ako. :( Buti nalang talaga. To my surprise... Habang naglalakad ako, pauwi na sanang condo. Actually nasa may Beato na nga ako nun e. Bigla nalang nag-ring yung phone ko. "Kevin... Calling." "Hello. Justin 'to." blahblah. Walaaaa. Grabe. Sobrang weak na ng boses ko. Yung totoo, sobrang after nun. I feel extra weak na. Like sobrang nanlalambot na yung knees ko. Iniisip ko nalang na.. I'm doing this thing not because of him.. But because I went to the chapel to pray. To seek for God's guidance. And yun nga.. Hay. Wala lang...

Feel na feel kong sobrang wala na yata talaga akong pride. Akalain mo yun. Bumaba na ng sobraaaa. Last resort ko na kasi talaga to sa sarili ko. Sabi ko, tinaga ko sa bato na magbabago na as a girlfriend. Kitang kita naman siguroooo. For good na 'to. :) Naubos na lahat (feel ko lang) nang dahil sa pagmamahal ko sakanya, or baka kasi siguro may certain degree of attachment na kasi.. Hmm. Pero wait lang, do I really have to suffer this much? And right now? Deserve ko ba 'to? Deserve ba niya lahat ng sacrifices ko? (I don't think I can't answer all these things right now.) Well, napupuno kasi yung utak ko ng biases right now e. :O Pero I'm taking it in a good way naman.

Is it just like, God's way of making me feel like.. This is the real world. This is what you call 'real relationship'. Yung tama lang. Yung sakto lang. Yung walang sakit sa ulo.. Pero. HAHAHAHAHA. Wala. Nagooverthink lang nga siguro talaga ako. :) Dala narin siguro ng PMS. Pero.. Malakas parin naman ang power ng instincts ko. Kaya naman, kinoconsider ko parin. Oh well. Sana nga ganun lang. Sanaaaa. Pero kahit less than an hour lang kami magkasama kanina. Sobrang masaya nako. Di ko maexplain. Pero... Kahit sobrang lungkot ko nung mag-isa pa lang ako sa Plaza Mayor, the moment nung dumating siya.. Biglang nawala na lahat ng naiisip ko. Namimiss ko siya. Kahit magkasama na kami. Sobrang puro kasiyahan lang yung nakuha ko that time na magkasama kami. Super inuunderstand ko naman na.. Mahirap kaming magkita kasi, ang layo sa katotohanan nung schedules namin e. :(

Ang hirap. Sobraaaa. Pero kasi. Kung sana may enough courage lang ako para harapin siya. Para sabihin sakanya lahat ng 'to. Lahat ng hard feelings ko ngayon. Well, as much as possible sakin nalang 'to. Pero sobrang nalulungkot talaga ako.. Kasi feeling ko wala akong magawa. Sobrang namimiss ko siya e. Di ko alam kung bakit. :/ Pero yun nga. This is life. Carry on lang. Masasanay din naman ako later on.. Wag lang sanang magfalter yung feelings namin for each other.

Sabi nga nila.. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Papamiss nalang din siguro muna ako sakanya.. :)