I AM JUST TIRED

I am me. I am not willing to change for you, or anyone else. Take me as I am, or watch me as I go. Well, I'm walking around with these glossy eyes. "I am just tired," I say. But you know what? It's a bullshit. Yes, I'm tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. I am tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to be exhausted after doing a million things I find no enjoyment in doing. I'm tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over me even though I'm surrounded by dozens of people. So why can't I just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say "I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallible." I've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease. As if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something no to be felt but to be feared. Well, I say screw all of that. Screw forced smiles and polite handshakes. And I'm fine, thank you. Screw the fear of crying in public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up my problems. I am human. I am meant to feel. To feel everything and to feel it all openly. I am not metal. For I am flesh and bone. My boiled blood courses through my cold, clammy hands. I am intricate and beautiful, and I should never hide my human parts. Because if I do, then what's left to show?

I've changed so much lately, every single day I wake up different. I feel like I'm fading with each step. All everyone else sees are smiles. They say I'm doing much better, but I know I am doing much worse. I hate that I'm still hoping. :( Those moment when I burst out crying alone in my room, and I realize that no one truly knows how unhappy I am because I don't want anyone to one, that up until now I am hoping for the return of US, for the better and happier US. :( Oh well, oh well, I am still hoping for the best. Remember when you were my beat? And I was your sea, together we'd float so delicately. Although I read your mind, the seat of artistic delight is between the shoulder blades. That little shiver behind is quite certainly the highest form of emotion that humanity has attained when evolving pure art and pure science. Let us worship the spine and it's tingle.

Take a step back. Fucking look at yourself. You are human. You are beautiful. You are so beautiful and you can be anything. You can be everything. Do not hate everyone because someone broke your heart. Do not concern yourself with things you cannot control. Cry when you need to, then let go when it's time to. Don't hang unto painful memories just because you're afraid to forget. Let go of the things that are in the past. Forget the things that aren't worth remembering. Stop taking things for granted. Stop taking life for granted. Live for something, live for yourself. Fall in love, fall out of love. Do this over and over until you know what it really is to love someone. Question things, tell people how you really feel. Sleep under the stars, create, imagine, inspire, share something wonderful. Meet new people, make someone's day. Follow your dream, live your life to it's full potential. Just live. Dammit. Let go of all the horrible things in your life and fucking live. And one day, Imma look back with no regrets.

I promise, from now on, I'll stop hoping. I'll dig a grave for you, for everything about you and me. I don't wanna remember anything about you anymore. I have to forget that I once loved you. For this pain is slowly fading away, these frowns are again slowly turning into smiles. And I don't want to go back to zero, and start all over again. Dear Past, stop tapping me on the shoulders, I don't want to look back, and get hurt again.

I'll always be there for anyone who needs me, I'll always be a helping hand or a listening ear. Because I know what it's like to believe that no one cares. I know what it's like to feel alone suffocated in my own thoughts, I know how just one person can change someone's life. I'm here for anyone that needs me. Just to prove that compassion exists, I am here for you.