June 26, 2011
“Typhoon Falcon Please Stay the Hell Away From Us- Same Thing As What This Damn Feeling of Mine”
All these time, you’ve been lying to me, lying to me, that the feeling was still there, and all of those years, I’ve been thinking about our relationship. Will we exist, or will it just be a dream, oh how I wish, I wish I never saw you at all, if I only knew that I would only fall for you, then I wish never let you close, I wish I never let you in, I wish I never ask for more, now I know, am not for you~
These song lyrics kept playing on my mind all throughout the night. Thinking that there’s this part of me saying, “How could I tell him this feeling inside of me, that slowly am beginning to love him less?” No, I mean, am starting to think of these impossibilities in life. I am making ways that would actually make him wonder, and question me about what I truly feel for him. I am making him feel like; I don’t love him anymore, am making things that would actually hate me in return. Hell yea~ Why am I acting so strange towards him, why am I acting so weird and cold towards him? Does it mean I love him less now? Honestly, am fucked up. A lot of things are disrupting my mind. Asking me, why I am feeling this way, now I know, it’s a different thing, compared to what I used to feel before, is the love fluctuating, is it this alarming that would actually make us tear apart and shattered into pieces. I know am feeling hurt, deep down inside, something’s holding me back. “Stop the drama, Adrienne. There isn’t any problem after all, so why act that way? Why are you pushing him away, is that what you really want? To make him feel like, you don’t love him anymore, well; in fact, it’s completely the other way around!” Wake up. Please go back to your senses. Do not get blinded by the things that would actually make you doubt and feel hurt, because you yourself know the truth. “That you love him, so hard, he is the first guy whom you actually loved this hard, not even your close prince charming would actually beat the complete emotions you’re displaying towards him. I must admit, he’s the first guy who saw me in most naked angle, like, wearing my house clothing which are so flimsy and so shorts. Same way, as he’s the first guy who saw me, in almost skin dipped, with only a towel on, plays water with me with the water deeper while taking a bath, the first guy who saw me the very first in the morning, as in, the very first eye, with matching Oreo McFlurry for breakfast. (I have to admit, he was so sweet, during these times), he was the first guy whom kissed me right after I went out of the bathroom; he almost even got me, as in my entire being. But then I realized, I should hold back, it’s not yet the time, though I love him so hard. It’s not yet the time, I should go back to my senses and think of the right things that would keep me modest and pure. I should keep myself as a mystery. He should have not seen me like these, for am building a clear view of myself on his mind, that this is the way I live. This is the way I am. Those made me think that am actually placed on the losing end of this risky thing called love. I want to pull back, I want to set things right. I want to keep myself private. Am I instilling a lot of illusions on my mind again, or is it that, I couldn’t just stand the fact, that there’s already this someone whom get to witnessed almost all my secrets in life? Or is it just that, I love him so bad, that before, I don’t get to think of these things yet, but since then my parents reprimanded me and talk about these things about the two of us, did really changed everything about what I think and about what I truly feel for him. As much as I don’t want to be affected, but the situation calls for it, and I don’t want to fail them, same way as, I don’t want to fail my heart loving him; I don’t want to skip a heartbeat even for once, but I don’t want to add more pain inside of me. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every night, just because am thinking about the two of us. Shall we remain closely in love with each other, or shall we tear apart?
It’s almost 4 o’clock in the morning, just done talking to him over the phone. And this silence in my heart actually breaks me into pieces. I know this is hard. Keeping all these things inside of me left all unspoken and tears were actually flowing spontaneously and unconsciously. I can no longer resist. I can no longer hold on, it is this extreme affection of me for him that’s actually tearing us apart. I don’t want him to love me this hard, neither I. because I know, in the end, it would just hurt the both us, the way weren’t expecting to be, the way it shouldn’t be. But seriously, it’s happening now. As much as I don’t want to let go, there’s this part of me saying, it wouldn’t work out anymore, you’re just fooling your self, so cut the bleeding, and stop loving him, so that you won’t be hurting him and yourself even more. I don’t want to say these and that, as what I should want these or those to happen, but eventually, things are falling apart, whereby, I really, and never did ever entered my mind. It’s poisoning my mind, changing me into someone, that he doesn’t even know anymore, moreover, I myself doesn’t know who’s this fucking stranger in me, succumbing my whole being. And am actually starting to hate myself, why am I continuing hurting him this way, it’s the same way as, completely hurting myself as well. Now, I am confused, why is it that, my heart and mind’s desires are actually different? Why is it that, the more my heart says, I want to love him still, the more my mind tells me, to stop loving him, to cut all the bleeding and get rid of him, and be with someone whom can actually fix my mending heart. So that I’ll be more than happier than ever; but that I don’t know, I really don’t know. I don’t want to end this so soon, but why is that, there’s a part of me that really wants to let go? :’( Must this be over, must this be the end of all these things that made me say that am complete human capable of loving for real? To the extent that I could change all my dispositions in life just for the heck of it; holy crap, am really fucked up! Could somebody actually help me figure out why am experiencing these pain? :’( Do I need someone “better” to fix me cause I am totally broken, or is it still him, whom my heart really wants to feed my questions in mind? :’(
Just please, tell me, you’ll stay and never leave me. Because after all, you’re still the man I want to be with. No one else could actually detach that thought I have instilled in my mind. I may be acting so differently towards him now. But I don’t know, if maybe tomorrow we could still be like what we used to be before, like how hard I used to tell him and show him that I really love him. But now, please bear with me. I am in trouble. Please, understand me, because I don’t want to end this so soon. I love you, just the same. I may not be able to say it to you, right about face, I may be not so honest with my feelings whenever we talk over the phone, but please, bear in mind, everything may change in just a blink of an eye. But one thing’s surely won’t ever change. And that is the fact, that I love you, with all my heart so true. And no one else, received the same love I actually have given and still willing to give you more and more each day. You may say, it’s completely the other way around now, with what am showing you, these past few days, but to tell you frankly, yea, you may say that you already knew me, but there will always be this part of me, that you couldn’t and you wouldn’t be able to read, and resist more than ever because I will forever remain a mystery in your eyes~
Now tell me, shall I still hold on to your hands and never let go, or shall we now live far apart from each other, living our own lives?~ Tell me, if I still have to hold on, give me reasons to, and not to force myself to stay and fool myself, because it’s breaking my heart. It’s changing me unconsciously, I myself, don’t even know this stranger in me. ;| Help me go back to where I should be standing still, to where my heart should be, and to whom my heart wants to live for the rest of my life. All I need is a jaw breaker and an eye opener to make up my mind, and I want you to help me, save me from this anxiety. Cause I need you now, more than ever. Just please stay close, hold my hands, hug me tight and never let go~
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