FOREVER TWENTY

FOREVER TWENTY

Father-Dear

Just me :)

Bubbly!!

Andrei!!!

Mother-love!!!

After pigging out!! :D

Forever twenty- one? No. This post isn’t about the clothing brand, or the dress, neither the pair of shoes that I was wearing for this day. Hence, this post would serve as my ticket entry to adulthood. For once and for all, I couldn’t imagine nor picture on my head how this day unleashed another phase of my life, the hard way. I mean, it became hard, for I still can’t consider myself a legitimate adult. Not even today, nonetheless, I came to a certain realization that it is actually happening. – Today.

Three hundred sixty-four days, I waited for another rotation just to fully experience today’s festive. Yes, it is a festive, an epiphany. A nativity, my birthday. Surprisingly, I just turned twenty-one. It may not sound, nor appear obvious but I’m embracing it with all my might. I got scared, I didn’t know, I was clueless about this event. This for me, is a crucial stage of my life. For today, I have to face the reality; I am going to be an adult. A night before my birthday, I was thinking, thinking and trying to feel and remember. The possibilities, the could haves, the would haves, the ifs. The roads not taken, the doors I slammed and closed. Not to mention, not a single regret was acknowledged.  I didn’t entertain the feeling of it for I know it would make me feel the torment all over again. In the last twenty years of summer in life, I slowly, but eventually learned to accept challenges in my life. Including the toughest, and the narrowest of it. They were difficult, but here I am. Look at me now, I emerged victorious.

Twenty years of a rollercoaster ride. Not so long ago, I was just a young girl, impulsive-selfish-self-centered and insensitive. I have always been like this, though I tried to change a bit. I know, change wouldn’t occur in a night but I am certain that I have made quite a difference. Little by little, I learned how to share my ideas, my insights, my own core and personality. Thus, I opened up myself to people whom I know deserves to be given my trust. Nevertheless, just like the old stories, I tried but still haven’t reached my goal. But I could really feel like, I am getting there, anyway. It may not be as fast as the others, but what’s important is that I am moving. I am walking. And I am still running. After all, this is not a race, not even a competition. But I’d still care to say that I am the “best player” of a game, which I play by myself, alone. No competitors, no spectators, no mentors. But myself.

I am seated at the top of this ferry’s wheel ride. I control my own fate, my own destiny. I shape it. I claim it. But, looking back and forth at its horizons, this is a big reality. A huge picture of a community that surrounds me. The only difference is, I am the captain of my soul. I search for it. Nonetheless, I do acknowledge the help of my family, my friends, my classmates, my mentors and the Supreme Being who watches over me, and serves as my constant inspiration to this lifelong venture. An unending search for my complete existence. I don’t know where I am heading to, or when and how this ride’s going to stop, or pause in between, but even with the downsides of it, I am not giving up. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. I will just enjoy my risky and challenging ride of this arcade. A magical paradise with beautiful creatures in it- they may appear imaginary and fatal, but I know in this fleeting reality of mine, I am building and shaping my own life.

Last night, I was waiting in vain. Thus, for Albert Camus, waiting is like hell, but still I decided to watch a feel good movie, entitled “The Internship” so that I wouldn’t be feeling empty while “waiting.” – I don’t know exactly what I was waiting for last night. The only thing I know is that, tomorrow I am transforming into a butterfly, once again. I am renewing a particular “vow” I surrendered about a year ago. Without any certainty, without the trend of whatever it is it to be added or diminished in me. And I am still searching. I am still exploring. I haven’t stopped yet. Meaning, I am in for a constant change. I am bound and open for changes. After all, waiting is like blinding yourself to the possible outcomes of what life is in store for you. Again, totally foreseeing what lies beneath and behind the present. So, last night I decided to close my eyes- I feel, embraced and immersed myself to the feeling of a blind man, in search, at lost yet looking for the light in constant darkness.

And as I closed my eyes, I realized that sometimes, it is fun to be blind. It is difficult yet fulfilling to find the light of the core of your being in a totally chaotic and enclosed into a dark box. I was feeling like I am fitted forcefully into a Pandora ’s Box, subject to an end goal. But, into a sudden and another moment, I opted to open my eyes again. It was totally a different perspective, a different view from that awkward feeling of being blinded to concrete reality. I was abstracted. I was overwhelmed. I was astonished. Here comes another day. Another phase. Another challenge. I am now capable of seeing.

March 16, Sunday. It is today. I just turned another year older. Yesterday, it was only nineteen, now it becomes twenty. I waited for this special day for quite a long time, which is why I promised myself that I’ll make myself feel more special than my usual days. I welcomed adulthood with a huge smile on my face, and my heart.  Indeed, I am capable of seeing and feeling loved. I thought I wouldn’t cry for I told  myself that I have to be totally stressed-free, until I was bombarded with tear-jerker, overwhelming and overflowing warm greetings from my family and friends. I felt the love, the care, the importance, value and worth to other people I didn’t know I am this valuable, inspiring and real. I didn’t know that I am capable of changing someone to bring out the best in him, to feel him happy and lively whenever I am around, and most importantly, I feel the meaning of life, slowly wrapping me as a real human being.

I am truly blessed. I celebrated my special day, grandiosely. I was with my family the whole day, we enjoyed our lunch buffet at Diamond Hotel, Manila. I am thankful Mom made my twenty-first a meaningful, delicious and scrumptious one! I love you. I almost cried due to so much intake of it. But I had incredibly fun, just that, feeling bit a little bit guilty ‘because I worked hard at the gym to work out, and now I am pigging out. Hence, I felt extra happy for I was able to see my Dad, right at the very morning of my special day. He made it! He came, with a gift. A gift of his presence could have been enough, yet he still surprised me with a bountiful amount of money. (And now, I am planning to save it for my future adventures. Nonetheless, it is also tantamount to the surprise element of my incoming Graduation Day). I feel complete again, 101 percent complete. I didn’t know all these things would happen only in a single day. I am happy. No, I am the happiest.

PS: Thank you for the waiters and waitress and Diamond Hotel, too. For singing a Happy Birthday song to me and for the chocolate truffle cake you’ve given me. You guys made me extra happier.

Another story, another canvass, another blank book, another three hundred sixty four days to enjoy and live, unfold and unleash with. Thank you for all the greetings and the surprises I received today. You made it extra special! Thank you, for remembering. I love you, says my hypothalamus. But of course, before I end this entry, I would like to thank You, God Almighty. All these things wouldn’t be possible, without Your grace and blessings. You’ve given me more than I asked, more than I expected in hand. A birthday, turned out a perfect present for a quarter of my life. I am graduating really soon! I am so happy! Thank You for another gift of existence. A gift of life filled with love, knowledge and wisdom, all from You! I Love You, Lord!!!

SAABERRY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEE!!!!! I ENJOYED IT SO MUCH!!!