Three-Day College Retreat @ Caleruega Retreat House, Nasugbu, Batangas with 4 POL1, 4POL 2, 4 POL3, and the FAMILY so dear to me: 4 PHL
Mark these days on my calender--- July 31- August 2, 2013
July 31 (Wednesday) Retreat Day 1
My BEAUTIFUL ladies. :) |
First day, I woke up early cause I needed to catch up the 7:45am call time, for our Seniors' Retreat. I was wearing a smile-- thinking that I'll be detached from reality, apart from the stressful life, the academe gives me. Apart from the daily stubbornness I give to my family. I, well would at least escaped all these things for three days. I was looking for peace, clarity and happiness, I was looking for the missing pieces of me, I was in turmoil. I needed change, I needed answers to my questions left unanswered. Those "whys" life unfairly has given me. Yes, I was in chaos, and no complete orderliness. Hence, I know and certain enough that I'll be experiencing something that would lead me back to Him.To my FIRST LOVE, to the center of my life. You know Him, right? HE is God. Retreat? Precisely, we didn't just go to Batangas for anything. It was for a reason, as the cliche would always say. Always for a reason. It's called retreat, because its all about "re"- treating oneself. Remembering good times, declaring good happiness.Again, it's called retreat, because it is a way to light, it is a personal guide, a reminder. It may not be constant, but surely, it's a life changing experience. Touching myself, others and God. Thus, this not something new to me, for I had my retreat as well, way back in Grade School and High School. It's worth the wait. Seniors' retreat, it's all about rekindling, a timely recollection, and gathering of thoughts and experiences for the past years, that defines my growth as a person. With all these people around me, my Philosophy family, four years of being with them, we share the same interest and love-- it is because of philosophy that bind us together. The love of knowledge, the lovers of wisdom. But beyond this? We share the same kind of "relationship" towards each other. It's our love and care for each other, as siblings. Thank you for making me feel like, I always belong. For accepting me for who I am, and for who I am not. You are all incredible. You are a BIG part of my life, my College life.
It was a bit awkward, well not completely, I guess? For before leaving the university, we already confessed our sins to the priests, present. I confessed mine, to this Vietnamese priest, Fr. Bart. He talks a lot. Yet, I was able to figure out what my real dilemma was. I was carrying with me my trolley bag with, filled with loads of stuff. Literally, and figuratively for this retreat. Hence, it was just like also a hand carry, with the right decision, and proper allocation of the essential things to place inside my baggage. That whenever we go out of town, and country with my family, thus this time, I'm with my block mates and they are my family. I just missed traveling. Incredibly, I felt the excitement, for it's my first time to travel with my complete family of Philosophy. Three days, away from home, away from school. I consider this time, as a bonding as well, for all of us. To find understanding for oneself, to be able to build/rebuild relationships among each other. Most of all, to travel in the past, and travel "back" again to present time. Upon arrival, we were astonished with the great ambiance. Instantly, I found sense of belonging to the nature. I felt it. We were oriented, by Miss Hazel. I supposed we need not to be given a lot of reminders anymore, for we are mature individual already. Graduating students from the Faculty of Arts and Letters. We've been a lot, and I'm proud of it. Father Gerard Zabala, was the first master speaker for our retreat. He talked about knowing oneself. Re-knowing oneself, reminiscing. Identifying who and what I want in my life. Hence, I realized that I couldn't answer question such as "What do I really want to do in my life?" "What's my goal" if first, I do not know who I am, and who I was. It's something philosophical, that only the unexamined life couldn't figure out. We had the chance to walk around, think, talk and contemplate with nature. Later on, I found myself, slowly. I realized who I was before, those things that I want in my life to make me happy, my weakest and happiest times. Thus, I shared it with my block mates in the evening, during our session. It was tough, it was not only my own story, I learned how to value the essence of listening. That is not always about me. It was good to hear those kind of sharing from my classmates, whom I think wouldn't open themselves. It was a nice way to know them, even more. At least before we part ways. It was a fulfilling activity, although I had a hard time sleeping at night. I was so happy to spend time with the girls, after shower and when lights went off already. Girls' bonding. Hence, I'm missing my family already. :)
It was also during this day, where we all experienced to float in the air, and just to simply forget about everything. Felt the enlargement of my heart, figuratively. I was so fragile that I kept on crying, to the point that, there's nothing to cry about, everything has just started yet I was already crying. I'm a cry baby, I'm immature, "Too soon old, too late smart." I know, I have all these reasons why I'm acting this way. Also, I may look smiling in the outside, but I've been crying and bleeding from the inside. It was so hard before, that I opted to suddenly remain silent. And today, something unexpected came up, and made me realize, it was all worth it. Entering and studying philosophy is my greatest choice that I did in my life. These lovely and awesome people around me, are just the bonus. I'm excluding my family this time, for they're different. They are God's innate blessing to me. I don't believe that there was an accident that I belong to the family that I'm in right now. Mom, Dad, Andre and Jacob defines my being. I may always make them mad, but I know in our hearts, the love that we share for each other's inevitable. It's priceless and irreplaceable. It was also during this day, when that bonfire was lighted, it was so beautiful. Under the moon and the skies, with my friends around. My Philosophy family, we were able to bond and showcase each talent during the presentation of all sections from the Political Science classes as well. Having fun, was quite something unusual for us, since we were embarked as the "minority" and the "geeks" in our Faculty, Arts and Letters. Also, the "nerds" because we belong to Center of Excellence. :) I'm not bragging, but it's true. Slept a bit late again, heard some screaming at dawn time from those Pol Scie girls, but didn't mind them anyway. I was so exhausted, climbing up the hill, chilling around Caleruega, laughing, eating, and most of all... Crying. I got tired of crying the whole day. I bet, Day two's sessions' are made to make the retreat-ans cry. Just that, this event is a bliss. It's a life changing one. As expected. I was actually looking for this, finally it arrived. When I was at my weakest. Just so in time, it might have arrive too early, but it already moved me. Given me so much to delve about my life. Finding my happiness, then creating good memories, and right decisions in life. :)
August 1 (Thursday) Retreat Day 2
My PHILOSOPHY Family |
Today is day two, I lack sleep. I only had two hours of sleep. I had the hard time sleeping in such a place, away from home. Thus, I felt a bit uncomfortable. To my surprise, taking a shower around 4:30am, was a legit shocker. The water was freakin cold. Hence, I was able to survive, and prepare myself for I'll be having a long day ahead of me. Father Stephen, for me is the greatest retreat master during all those sessions. He really shakes my heart. And made me realize a lot of things, that something's terribly wrong with my way of life, and the way I handle it. Fixing relationships with other people, particularly my relationships with my friends and family. I didn't knew that I'm feeling indifferent towards everyone all these years, I was rampant, stubborn, insensitive, egocentric, selfish and indifferent. I suck for attention, and love from other people, yet I forgot to reciprocate them. All for the sake of my hasty decisions in life, my principles. But Father Stephen, made me cry a pail. Without him, saying anything; I mean, exaggerating and putting too much effort with his discussions to us. It was through the inner and outer circular chair activity, I discovered and proved to myself that I can't go on without my life, without these people around me. I may have always been arrogant, thinking that I don't need anyone to survive, yet he proved me wrong. For the longest time, I was reunited with my long lost friend, my closest friend, and distant friends for the past three years of my College life. I realized, that a lot has changed already. And that, I need not to say anything to some of them anymore, by just simply tapping their shoulder, having an eye to eye contact and conversation with them... Were all enough. Sometimes, we really don't need words. Hug is the most powerful shield and comfort you could offer someone whose in great pain and agony. I was so happy. I felt like I was floating in the air after that activity. I didn't expect some of those things coming from my block mates, whom I never once did expect, would speak out their minds, and see me as such, in their own eyes, in their own perspectives. By that way, I was able to understand them more, remind myself again, how we I started. How we started as "freshmen" Philosophy students in the University. I feel so light-hearted, all pains, baggage, and that heavy cross that I've been carrying, for a couple of years now, finally left my heart. There's a sudden change. An in inner change in me, a conversion of the heart that made say myself, "Hey, something's quite missing, something's not in order, you may want to fix it? :)"
It was also during this day, where we all experienced to float in the air, and just to simply forget about everything. Felt the enlargement of my heart, figuratively. I was so fragile that I kept on crying, to the point that, there's nothing to cry about, everything has just started yet I was already crying. I'm a cry baby, I'm immature, "Too soon old, too late smart." I know, I have all these reasons why I'm acting this way. Also, I may look smiling in the outside, but I've been crying and bleeding from the inside. It was so hard before, that I opted to suddenly remain silent. And today, something unexpected came up, and made me realize, it was all worth it. Entering and studying philosophy is my greatest choice that I did in my life. These lovely and awesome people around me, are just the bonus. I'm excluding my family this time, for they're different. They are God's innate blessing to me. I don't believe that there was an accident that I belong to the family that I'm in right now. Mom, Dad, Andre and Jacob defines my being. I may always make them mad, but I know in our hearts, the love that we share for each other's inevitable. It's priceless and irreplaceable. It was also during this day, when that bonfire was lighted, it was so beautiful. Under the moon and the skies, with my friends around. My Philosophy family, we were able to bond and showcase each talent during the presentation of all sections from the Political Science classes as well. Having fun, was quite something unusual for us, since we were embarked as the "minority" and the "geeks" in our Faculty, Arts and Letters. Also, the "nerds" because we belong to Center of Excellence. :) I'm not bragging, but it's true. Slept a bit late again, heard some screaming at dawn time from those Pol Scie girls, but didn't mind them anyway. I was so exhausted, climbing up the hill, chilling around Caleruega, laughing, eating, and most of all... Crying. I got tired of crying the whole day. I bet, Day two's sessions' are made to make the retreat-ans cry. Just that, this event is a bliss. It's a life changing one. As expected. I was actually looking for this, finally it arrived. When I was at my weakest. Just so in time, it might have arrive too early, but it already moved me. Given me so much to delve about my life. Finding my happiness, then creating good memories, and right decisions in life. :)
August 2 (Friday) Retreat Day 3
TNT THE REUNION + with new members pa :) |
Third, and last day of our three-day retreat, at Calaruega, Batangas. Time to wrap up everything, and evaluate what I've learned from such experience. As usual, I failed to have a good rest last night, although I was so exhausted, for the same reason, I can't sleep. Hence, this time schedule was changed. Breakfast was served earlier, we were given ample time in the morning to stroll all over the place. And yes, the last retreat master that we had for our retreat was Father Allen. He was young, yet very inspiring. He's incredible, he was able to help me have an experience with God, once again. As in live face to face experience with God. He asked us to close our eyes, and meditate. There, I pictured everything I wish to see, and change in my life. It was fulfilling. I felt like I was really floating. For a couple of minutes, I was again detached not only from reality, not from this 3-day retreat experience, but from my physical body, and the physical world. I was able to travel to a certain sanctuary, and I encountered God, again--- for a long time. I felt His warm hugs ran into my skin, I heard His voice; Him whispered something that I needed to do once I open my eyes, once I travel back to my present journey. It was a time machine, a different time machine that really brought me back to the old me, to the old religious me. The faithful, and the believer. It was something extraordinary, that for a short span, I didn't know could changed me into someone, I never knew would be back, and could have even improved a lot. Father Allen is such an inspirational man, not only as a priest, but as a person per se. He's suffering from kidney failure, yet he's still surviving. Keeping his faith alive and not blaming God for what had happened to him. I would always bring this with me--- "Lord, may your will be done, and not my will be done."
Often, I wonder, we are not His followers, we are the bosses. For every time we pray, we ask. Hence, if it didn't happen... We complain, and worse, curse Him for not granting our wishes. Rarely, we thank you. Only at times, when we feel glorious. How often do we say sorry to Him? How about thanking Him for our every day living on earth? Very seldom right. Only during our weakest and downfalls, we'll be able to remember Him. But what He is to us? He has been our constant listener, our provider. Our sacrificial lamb. And we take Him for granted, always. His love for us is immeasurable. It is selfless. He didn't ask for something in return, not even to love Him back. He didn't... But He's still loving us. I've been so rude, so selfish and self-centered, yet He didn't complain. Instead, He's continuously showering me with too much blessings, even though I don't ask for them. He's always been good, understanding and forgiving. Hence, not in my life, I was able to reciprocate them, never did I expressed my love for Him. Just because I feel it's not important anymore. Nevertheless, today. I closed my eyes, talked to Him sincerely, with all my heart and soul. And I realized that I've never been alone. I was never alone. For He's always been my constant companion. He never fails me, He never gets mad at me. Never once He did complain about my treatment towards Him. And today, I realized that I'm too far away from Him already, that I've created a huge gap between us two already. And I missed Him. I feel incomplete for the past years, for I forget to recognize His presence in my life. And I admit, if not for this 3-day away from everything, I would not be able to find myself back again, coming back to my FIRST love. I'm glad He's always welcome to embrace me back in His arms. :) My retreat goals were made real. It was all in the tip of my fingers now. Hence, He entrusted me the driving wheels again, since He was able to repair my engine back already. How I wish, He'll always be my companion in my day to day drive/life experience. So that I'll be aware, whether what I'll be doing is right or wrong. I'd always be reminded by all these things I've learned from my College retreat. This time, I feel a conversion. A real conversion, compared to my two retreat experiences. Just because today, I'm matured already, I know what I want in life. I have my set of goals that I wanted to achieve. :) and I'm glad to say, I find answers to all my questions in this 3-day retreat experience at Caleruega, Batangas. Find new reasons to keep going, and keep smiling. :) It is also during this day, when we created our TIME CAPSULES. Listed everything that had happened for our four years of stay in College, those memorable ones. And the things I've learned in this retreat. Thus, we'll open them after five years. All together. During our REUNION. That's pretty soon already. Thinking that everything went really fast too. After lunch, we're going back to Manila already. And yes, it's back to reality.
PS: Just that, yes. It's back to reality. But... There's something more. I'm facing my every day, stronger and determined. Without all the heartache and pain, without my carrying my heavy cross anymore. I was able to unload them, forget them. And bury those bad, and not so good memories I had in my past. This time, I'm starting a new slate. With a pure heart. Just because I've forgiven not only those people who have hurt, but most of all, I've forgiven myself.... Already. :)
Often, I wonder, we are not His followers, we are the bosses. For every time we pray, we ask. Hence, if it didn't happen... We complain, and worse, curse Him for not granting our wishes. Rarely, we thank you. Only at times, when we feel glorious. How often do we say sorry to Him? How about thanking Him for our every day living on earth? Very seldom right. Only during our weakest and downfalls, we'll be able to remember Him. But what He is to us? He has been our constant listener, our provider. Our sacrificial lamb. And we take Him for granted, always. His love for us is immeasurable. It is selfless. He didn't ask for something in return, not even to love Him back. He didn't... But He's still loving us. I've been so rude, so selfish and self-centered, yet He didn't complain. Instead, He's continuously showering me with too much blessings, even though I don't ask for them. He's always been good, understanding and forgiving. Hence, not in my life, I was able to reciprocate them, never did I expressed my love for Him. Just because I feel it's not important anymore. Nevertheless, today. I closed my eyes, talked to Him sincerely, with all my heart and soul. And I realized that I've never been alone. I was never alone. For He's always been my constant companion. He never fails me, He never gets mad at me. Never once He did complain about my treatment towards Him. And today, I realized that I'm too far away from Him already, that I've created a huge gap between us two already. And I missed Him. I feel incomplete for the past years, for I forget to recognize His presence in my life. And I admit, if not for this 3-day away from everything, I would not be able to find myself back again, coming back to my FIRST love. I'm glad He's always welcome to embrace me back in His arms. :) My retreat goals were made real. It was all in the tip of my fingers now. Hence, He entrusted me the driving wheels again, since He was able to repair my engine back already. How I wish, He'll always be my companion in my day to day drive/life experience. So that I'll be aware, whether what I'll be doing is right or wrong. I'd always be reminded by all these things I've learned from my College retreat. This time, I feel a conversion. A real conversion, compared to my two retreat experiences. Just because today, I'm matured already, I know what I want in life. I have my set of goals that I wanted to achieve. :) and I'm glad to say, I find answers to all my questions in this 3-day retreat experience at Caleruega, Batangas. Find new reasons to keep going, and keep smiling. :) It is also during this day, when we created our TIME CAPSULES. Listed everything that had happened for our four years of stay in College, those memorable ones. And the things I've learned in this retreat. Thus, we'll open them after five years. All together. During our REUNION. That's pretty soon already. Thinking that everything went really fast too. After lunch, we're going back to Manila already. And yes, it's back to reality.
PS: Just that, yes. It's back to reality. But... There's something more. I'm facing my every day, stronger and determined. Without all the heartache and pain, without my carrying my heavy cross anymore. I was able to unload them, forget them. And bury those bad, and not so good memories I had in my past. This time, I'm starting a new slate. With a pure heart. Just because I've forgiven not only those people who have hurt, but most of all, I've forgiven myself.... Already. :)
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