Seven Months Ago

March 22, 2013

It’s been so long. It's been roughly seven months. Seven months ago... Back then I was in love. No, I was in a relationship, and I didn't know how it ended, I didn't know it will end. I can't even remember the feeling. That feeling of being in a relationship, being in love to another person, to a total stranger, per se. Someone I don’t even consider as a friend. Not even an acquaintance. I don’t know, maybe I’m just saying all these things ‘cause I’m still bitter about him. No, bitter about what had happened to our relationship. Why we ended it that way. And as a matter of fact, I hate talking about that not so good breakup anymore. Abruptly seven months ago, I tried being this ever understanding girlfriend, I don’t complain, I don’t nag, but I appeared like a total “no reaction” all throughout our relationship. I just felt that way. But I can’t really assess what had happened. And again, I can’t remember anymore. Anything related to us.

For the past seven months I tried being good to myself, finding myself. And loving myself completely, I am not saying that I don’t love myself, it’s just that there were times not long ago that I failed being true to myself, I was fair and magically real for everybody. Except for one, and that is sad to say, me. The blogger, I never knew nor imagined that trying so hard was inevitably really difficult. My last relationship failed, not because I was still the old me, the old girlfriend who rants, nags, complains and offers a breakup every single argument arises. Seven months ago, a relationship I was in to, failed just because I fell in love. I fell in love the right way, the right time, this time with the wrong person.

The wrong person: he was the wrong person, ‘cause he took me for granted. All I did just understood him, and adjust for him. Despite our busy schedules in school, having conflicting intellectual standards. I don’t know but it just didn’t work. All I ever asked and wished for was a real relationship: A relationship wherein we will both understand each other; no shallow fights. I just want a relationship wherein I can have intellectual arguments to produce good array of debates. In that way, I would love the relationship. More, I will love him the way I love producing logical arguments.

Not so long ago, I asked myself, “Am I not good enough?” But people would always tell me in return, “Nobody’s good enough for you, you’re too perfect.” I was always the Miss Perfect for them, yet didn’t they realize that I was just a simple girl, dreaming for an ideal relationship with the not so right guy. I ain’t exactly looking for a right guy, because I am not in the “right” position to judge them, to associate them with me being always “right”. Sometimes, I would feel like, relationships would fail, always fail. Nevertheless, all relationships would be a failure. A failure of one: a failure of the dumbfounded and fake relationship. And that nothing’s real. All are mere illusions and chimeras. Am I being too bitter about love life now? These past few months, what I’ve instilled on my mind is that… “Love does not exist”. I it isn’t real. It would only break my heart; it’ll only break me into pieces. And that they’re right, nobody’s good enough for me, except myself. Just myself, so maybe I’d rather love myself. Love myself even more. But then, I’ll be ready for the real thing. For the real love? Perhaps, they say.

Have I already closed too many doors, to possibilities of good relationships on hand for me? Have a surrendered too early yet to close my doors for people? For good people? I don’t know. I can’t even feel love. I can’t imagine myself falling in love again, trying to enter another relationship again I feel too much fear in me, for I don’t think I love again the way I did the last time. I don’t know how to trust people again, for I might end up breaking all over again. It was my second time. My second time that I felt like I was dumped, although I was the one who really dumped the guy. It was an ironic reality. Now, I fear the fact that once I tried giving my trust, and loving again? I’ll end up miserable all over again. Just a vicious cycle. Not until somebody prove that today is completely different from yesterday, that I won’t experienced the same things of the past. That it won’t eat me up alive. I was wrong. It was mistake of letting my wings fly and entrust it to the wrong person, if only I knew it wouldn’t be that harsh. If only. It was a first time. But they would always say, “First times teach us good first realizations.” This time, maybe it was real. It was a real heartbreak, that I was really bitter. It made me a not so good impression that guys are guys. It won’t ever change. :/

I am not ready, yet. Still not reading. Perhaps, this might be my longest span of being alone. Being single, but it doesn’t really matter. I don’t feel alone, I don’t feel that I am broken anymore, in fact I feel that I good as new. A brand new life, after that guy broke his promise, after that guy broke my heart and built me to be this fresh and beautiful again. If not for him, then maybe I wouldn’t really love and appreciate myself. It was devastating, but I’ve proven myself so much more. It was not as shallow as what I was expecting. Love is a two way process.

And yes, I am not on a rush. This is not a rush hour. I am not in search for that right guy. I haven’t found the right one for me yet, in my twenty years of existence. But I have tried a lot. Still, they were all errors. Still waiting for the right one. That right person who’s destined for me. Destined to love me and tolerate my mood swings. That guy who wouldn’t give up on me.  I’ll just be here, waiting. Patiently.

PS: A week ago, I received this from a friend. It was unexpected. But hell, it made me realized a lot of things. ;)

“Hi Adrienne/Magora/Mags/Saab/Saaberry/Saaburgis! I am so happy I met a good friend like you. I may not be there for you all the time, i may not be always someone who can listen to your thoughts/opinions/problems, do not fail to remember that when you need me I'll be at my best as a friend to you. If you must know, I am a proud of you. Proud because you are one of the many people that pursue your dreams fearlessly. You have this kind of motivation, strength and firm disposition to reach for what you desire no matter what it takes. In short, I admire your spirit. With that I hope you keep it up and use it for good things. Always keep in mind that wherever life takes you, makes sure your feet are always landed on the ground.

On the other hand, I also wish you a life full of bliss and happiness. But given the fact that loneliness could not be really eliminated in this world, I also wish you strength to face it, to deal with it and eventually get over it. Anyway, you have people at your back so we got it covered for you too. Do not loose faith in yourself and to the people who are there for you.

As for your love life, I wish that someday you'll find the right man. Do not hurry, take it easy. You are beautiful, smart, ideal and a lot of other reasons why you are lovable. The best one perhaps is that you are simply you. I know in time, you will find him. But if your heart breaks, do not give up. As I said, you are lovable and you may not have that much luck after several tries, remember that there is a reason why God uniquely created you. Of the many men God also created, one there is specifically made to appreciate the uniqueness you have. I believe that one man, will surely arrive and will love you truly. One man and he will make you fall in love forever. That I think explains why its hard to find someone who really is for you.

I hope that you'll get everything you dreamed/wished/desired/prayed for in God's time. Happy happy birthday gorgeous! Love you and thank you so much for everything! Have a blast, enjoy!”

PPS: The right way to love is to love oneself. Love is a package. When I love, surely I’ll get hurt. So maybe, when the right time comes that I already know how to acknowledge pain, then that’s the only time I can acknowledge love. 