Saturday: Something’s not equally right. And I must say, I don’t feel comfy about it.
Condo bum on a weekend, without Mom around.
‘Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things, it means you have to accept it’s over and continue living.’
This made my day… Strike two. While going down and up of the elevator here sa condo, with Andre, for our laundry, I suddenly burst out of laughter. Omigosh! What an epic night. Soupy me, hello. Gaah. It was an epic day, actually. Mixed emotions. I’m perfectly fine YET severely sick; I don’t know how it goes, but I just suddenly felt it. I’ll miss Mom for a couple of days, too.
I texted her this morning… I left our condominium quite early than the usual. Well, really early. For I have a scheduled coffee date with Alice today. I told Mom, “Have a safe trip, Mommy! I’ll miss you for a couple of days. You take care. Seriously. I went to school early today for I have to read something for my former friend’s report (if you know what I mean), I love you. And I got her reply after an hour or so… When I was in the coffee shop with Alice already. “Will miss you, Ate. On the way to Makati to meet Cora then off to airport. So much jitters grabe! Pray for me to overcome fear and be courageous. Take care. Love you more.’
I want to laugh, and at the same time, cry… Upon receiving this message from Mom. But I prevented myself to. (Protected e), heehee. Actually as much as possible am avoiding dramas and bullshits. For Mom’s gonna be back din naman after a couple of days. Well I’m just thinking it in a way na… She needed a break. She’s too workaholic narin naman kasi e. She’s turning herself to be that way already. And I’m afraid she won’t get the chance to enjoy her out of the country trip with her friends. So apart from everything and daily stuff, this day didn’t just revolve around Mommy’s departure. I was damn tired the whole day. Oh my. I feel like dying, this strange feeling I have when… I can’t even stand correctly. Like, I feel super dizzy. I ain’t feeling well kasi e. In the morning naman, I guess I’m alright pa. Maybe, dala narin siguro ng tiredness. Tapos puyat. Gaah, inaabuse ko na yata ‘yung sarili ko. And this is so wrong.
This is not right. I think I should take a break and give myself a consolation. I was extremely glad to finally talk to Alice narin naman. For I’ve been dying to talk to her since then. Got the guts to text her last Wednesday, and buti nalang I was able to get a reply from her. I just want to break whatever’s been happening between us. Matagal narin naman. It has been almost a year, and I want us to be all right narin. So ‘yun. It was a good thing, she permitted me to talk to her, and she’d given me the chance to hangout with her. And ‘yun nga, talk about us. About our ‘friendship’, and I’m just too happy na finally… Nagkaroon narin kami ng reconciliation. Oyea. I’ve been waiting for this stuff long ago pa. Gift of discernment. Hay.
‘Yung feeling na, finally… Nabunutan narin ako ng tinik sa dibdib. This heavy cross na matagal tagal ko naring cinacarry. And ‘yun nga. Na-let go ko na siya. For I believe, I won’t be able to overcome this, until I gather my thoughts and emotions to finally talk to her. I just want to break the ice. I just want to conquer that certain wall between the two of us. Cause after all naman… We’ve been like friends way back First Year times. And I ain’t taking it too personal na… All of a sudden she just treated me indifferently. Ang funny lang, for I’ve never got even the slightest idea why she treated me this way. Like, before. Pero after this I know it’s something I have to be thankful and look forward to na. I just hope this is the start of our new friendship. Yes. I’m hoping for a friendship if not a lifetime, well, at least kahit sa remaining a year and a half nalang namin sa College. I can’t take it na kasi. Gaah, this awkwardness between us. ‘Di ako mapakali e. Ayoko kasi ng plastican. So much as I want to avoid it, I’d rather do something conquer it.
‘Yun nga. This is my way. I mean, nagpakahonest nako sa kanya. I said everything I wish to tell her na. Kesa naman, forever ko ‘to dalhin, or ikeep nalang sa akin, for I believe never akong matatahimik kung ‘di ko ilalabas lahat ng ‘to. So ‘yun nga. Nirelease ko na lang talaga lahat hanggang sa completely maging.. Or naging okay na ko. Ganito lang naman kasi ako. After all has been said… Wala na sakin. I won’t take it against someone or you. Or whatever. Wala lang. I know how to deal with my emotions na kasi this time, I believe I can manage them na and find solutions to fix them. And by that, completely okay na ulit ako. Well after all I know I’m doing this for my own sake narin naman. Double effect in Philosophy, with a single action I’m creating two effects at the same time. Well at least for the betterment of two parties. Without being selfish… But being selfless.
If some people wouldn't even dare to understand why I’ve been doing this then I don’t and I won’t care. Cause in myself I know that what I’m doing is good. Good in my context. Depends on how you view it. Just that. I just realized that I am not living for other people’s sake but for myself. I am just happy that finally I was able to find this certain side of me… “Mature me.”
No comments:
Post a Comment