I LOVE YOU, GOODBYE

"I love you, goodbye"

And now the time has come. No more turning backs. I made up my mind, though I know this is hard, but am willing to take all the consequences to my decision. I'm letting go, and am breaking up with you to stop the bleeding. To stop the hurt and make things right again. I need and I want to regain back my old self, the old me whom my family and friends wishes to have back. Honestly, I myself misses that old me too. I badly have to go back to my senses and be completely happy again without you. Without no one else by my side, because I know, I have to be strong and make things on my own. I have to be independent and not depend everything on you. I don't want to be romantic and say things like, I'll miss you and I love you still. (Yes, these may all be given in a snap, at the same time, these things are true, but these feelings will never ever be fatal) Nothing is permanent in this world, we have to bear with it. That's why I know that, this is much of a pain in my heart, I'll do it for the benefit of the many, not just for myself. I don't want to be selfish and make him and myself believe that I will love you for eternity, and there will never come a time that I'll love someone else and I'll give my whole love except you- Just because, I ain't gonna fool myself. I want to be honest and be realistic. This is not a fairytale, I ain't a princess, you're not my prince. And I guess we won't be having this so-called happy ending. As much as I hate to say, but because this is the end. This is the end for us. :'(

As much as I want to tell you that I love you, there's a bigger part of me saying, yes I love you, but this time, it's not just the same. I am so sorry if I promised you before that it won't ever change. But yea, it did. And I myself changed too. I just don't want you to hurt me again. (emotionally and moreover, physically) I don't wanna be treated like this, I know am weak, but please don't make me feel like am helpless, that I can't do things on my own. Don't be too clingy on me, and ask me whom I talked to, where did I go, what time did I woke up, what did I eat and a lot petty and irrelevant issues. I just hate being watched, it's as if rubbing straight into my face that you simply don't trust me. Stop restricting me from talking to anyone else, stop directing me what to wear and where to go. I have my own mind, am capable of deciding on my own. In short, I just don't wanna be controlled. (Wow. You're even better than my parents in reminding me of the things that I should do. Yes, you're even harder and more strict than them.) I know during those 5 months, I won't deny that it has been a long, fun and at the same time a tragic experience for me. I learned how to love the mature way, but I don't think the right way, I improved. (Yes I know, I did, because if I didn't, then maybe we wouldn't last this long)I enjoyed your company so much that I wouldn't even think that the next day's another day, that I hate it that I won't get to see you nor talk to you even just for a day. That, I wish to be with you whenever I go home, whenever I eat and whenever I study. Even more, when I go to sleep, I want you to be by my side and never leave me. That wherever I go, I wish you're right there beside me. I wish to stick to you every now and then, that whatever happens, you'll remain as the only resident of my heart. :( (But these things must only be done in moderation) That's why, now. I'm so sorry if I have to push you away, because I am feeling choked again. And this time, I won't ever change my mind, because I don't want to repeat the same cycle we used to undergo through. I'm sick and tired of all these things. Rapidly happening every now and then. Everything has a purpose, why do these things have to happen. But I also believe that it won't happen if it isn't God's will, that's why am courageously accepting that this is over. This is the end of us. That there will never ever be you and me anymore. There's no more us.

I know we've got to tackled and surpass a lot of problems in life already, because we were always together. We never leave each others' side. But this time, I don't wanna suffer my future. I'm doing this for my future. I don't want to leave my beloved University just because I love at the wrong time. I ain't saying that I fell in love with the wrong person, but what I know is that, I love at the wrong time. That I can't bear with the pressure anymore. I'm so sorry if all these things have to happen in a short span of time. But trust me, this is for the betterment of the both of us. And I won't do this, if I don't love you. I'm so sorry if I loved you, am so sorry if I made you hope that I won't ever give up on us. But now, am leaving for good. For good that, I'll no longer be your beloved, but I promise to stay as a friend still. That no matter it is, it will always be out friendship that would outshine them all. I promise to love you still, even a love for a friend. Because I am happy I met you. I met someone like you whom taught me how to love. Whom showed me the way to the acceptance of the reality that this is what you call love. It isn't a game. It isn't to play with a toy and leave them afterwards, once you're through with them, and once you already broke them. But love is a matter of choice. It is a risk, it is a gamble. It is either you go the real thing, and prepare yourself for the real battle of getting hurt and wounded. Or the other way, of playing with someone else' feelings and throw them afterwards.

Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the jokes and laughs. Thanks for the stories and company. Thanks for the laughter and tears. Thanks for helping me understand the things that I am uncertain of. Thanks for staying with me through thick and thin. Thanks for bearing with my stern and peevish personality. Thanks for accepting me for who I am, and for whom I am not. Thanks for the friendship. Thanks for the love, and above all.. Thank you for allowing me to experience this thing called love. I don't know how to express my deepest gratitude. But I am so sorry, this wasn't easy, when I told you believe me, and never let go.. But I did. I am so sorry. :'( I promise that I'll never ever forget you, you're the first damn thing that came into my life. I love you, but I have to let go. Wish you all the happiness in life, I promise you, after this, yes, this is heartbreaking, but after this is a lifetime of smiles. :) Trust me.

I know it's the hardest phrase to say and the hardest thing to do- I love you, goodbye.

I love you, goodbye.
Sayonara, Fourteen.