Time heals almost everything. Give the time, some time.

Time heals almost everything. Give the time, some time. Wow. Today was so awesome. I don’t know, super mixed emotions, I know I am exhausted, physically, mentally, and most importantly, emotionally. Well, is it just because, I’m feeling extra bored, for this whole week; we aren’t doing anything at all? It makes me sick even more, I’m not that mentally challenged, I want more thrill in my life. Ugh. This is what I hate the most, instead of promoting more academic purposes. Shitty life, stop complaining, Ade. Anyway, as what I was saying earlier, I find this day wonderful, it’s just that, it exhausts me too much. Now, I feel super sleepy. But, I just can’t, for I don’t want to. It’s the Arts and Letter’s Faculty Show, seriously, it was amazing. Good professors, can even perform better on stage, makes me admire some of them more. They’re really cool people whom I look up to, wishing to be like them too, in few more years to come. ‘Why is that sad look in your eyes, why are you crying, tell me now. Tell me now, tell me why you’re feeling this way?’ Shhh. I feel bombarded, so sanely and vulnerable. I hate to see that slide show in the wide screen, plus the cozy ambiance of the auditorium, makes me wanna scream of anger and pain. Gosh, the words used were for a broken hearted person, and yea, I know it sucks, for I’m quite feeling the same way too. Ugh. It changed my mood the whole day. Bum, why so bum? I don’t know why.

I’m confused. How I wish na sana, nightmare lang ang lahat ng ‘to. Funny as it may seem, but. Up until now, I’m half-hearted. I admit, I am enjoying my life now. I’m even happier without having a ‘someone’ beside me, but still, it won’t change the fact that at some point, whenever I feel so down and alone, I can’t help but think of having a ‘someone’ to talk to, and share my life with. But no. No way. There’s more, I was able to stand up again, how I wish, din a ulit ako malaglag sa grave. Ayoko na, it makes me sick na e. Sobrang hirap I know, see. It’s been more than two weeks na, since our last talk. Since I promised myself that it would be the last time na. And I won’t ever bother him again. Sana, masaya na siya ngayon. Well, ako naman, masaya na. Hindi nga lang completely, kasi may naghohold back parin sakin, but then I know, time will come that I’ll eventually learn to forget about those painful intentions of him na sa iba ko pa nalaman, hindi sakanya. Gosh. Sobrang sakit lang talaga. Sorry, this is just my outlet of expressing what I feel e. I have no other choices, I don’t wanna talk about him naman na sa mga kaibigan ko, for I believe, masyado nang old issue. Besides, ayoko naring masaktan. I’m trying to forget everything na nga e, well. I know I can’t, pero as much as possible, i-oover write ko nalang yung old and bad memories na yun, into something new and good. How I wish, maging completely happy na ulit ako. But I guess, medyo matatagalan pa ‘yun. It’s the first time na naging awkward ako towards my ex. As in, sobrang hirap. Just the mere fact that I’m obliged to see him every Tuesdays of the week, kung dati lagi kaming magkausap ang magkasama after class, ngayon. Iba na lahat, pero.. Pinababayaan nalang naman niya ako. And I guess, it’s a good thing. Anyway, I’m starting to talk about him na naman. He’s part of the past na. Hindi na dapat pang pag-usapan. Over na e. Ayoko nang mag-reminisce.

“Bakit kailangan mo maawa sa kanya? Para di siya mapahiya! Nagpapaawa siya e. :)))) Hindi maiiwasang makonsensya. Pero bakit, sya ba nakokonsensya? Emotions are emotions, thoughts are thoughts. Mananatili silang ganun unless gumawa ka ng paraan para maapektuhan ka ng thoughts at emotions na yun. Pano ka magiging fully okay kung ayaw mo bitawan yan? I think kahit sabihin mong binitawan mo na, e naka step pa rin yung isang paa mo. Di ka pa totally bumababa para tuluyang makalayo.”--- Funny. Bakit nga ba, kailangan kong maawa sakanya? Shocks. Hindi dapat e. Nagpapaawa lang kasi siya, humihingi ng sympathy sa mga tao. “You will never be fully happy unless you give up on those things that hinders your happiness. Kahit na sabihin mo pang naging "happiness" mo yun. Take note.. NAGING. Past. Over.”

Hope you’ll find your true happiness too, soon. AND.. " I just miss people who are constantly there to be with me." ARE. HAHAHA. Malungkot siya kasi wala yung MGA tao na dati lage nasa tabi niya. Yun yung dahilan kung bakit siya malungkot. Not totally because of you. Hahayaan mo ba na maudlot na naman yung happiness mo dahil sa taong yan?

Pag lumambot at nagpadala ka na naman sa paawang yan, sino na naman mukhang tanga? Mukhang uto-uto? Sino yung hindi marunong manindigan sa mga ginagawa niya? In the end.. "Buti pa si Bannag, kaya panindigan yung ginagawa niya"--Ginagawa niyang pag aact. :))))

Atsaka sabi nga, people change, feelings fade. Though sa case nya, di naman talaga siya nag change. :)) Pero teh.. Emotions, feelings, temporary lang yan. You can be happy ngayon, sad mamaya, tapos happy na naman ulit. Nasa sayo kung magpapaapekto ka. O kaya mag papadala ka sa emotion mo na pwedeng maglead na naman sayo pababa sa hukay, nakakaakyat ka na nga, babalik ka na naman sa baba??

Kung talagang mahal ka niya, alam naman pala niyang masaya ka na e.. Bakit isasama ka pa niya sa misery niya? Papayag ka pa ba? E kung hayaan ka na lang niyang maging masaya. I guess naman, somehow, hinahayaan ka na niya.. Pero syempre, may paawa part pa din. Baka sakaling masungkit ka ulit niya. Makuha ulit niya Barbie niya. Nasasad sya e. Wala siya mapaglaruan. :)))

Grabeee, eto lang. Baket mo hahayaang masira ung love love lovely event na yun dahil sa mula ulo, mukhang paang tao? Tao nga ba? Hahaha.

Ang sabi, to erase a memory, you have to rewrite it with a new one. Edi why not this time, try that? Di mo man madelete ung memory nya dun, edi ioverwrite! :> Madaming paraan. Kahit with friends, kayang maoverwrite yan KUNG GUSTO MO TALAGA.

---Free flowing memories and thoughts in my mind right now. Pero. I have this certain part of my diary, sinulat ko last Tuesday. Sorry, kung ngayon ko lang maisshare, kasi. I’ve been away for a couple of days, been quite in active, for I was like, detaching myself from social sites. It helps naman in a way or two; I don’t wanna feel down na kasi e. For I know, I shouldn’t be feeling too vulnerable at this time.

February 07. 2012

‘My Only Weakness is You.’
I wonder how, this day will go. Am I to feel that special thrill? In will you pop? Or am I flop? Saab is in chain, bound to wait in vain. Come on, Prince Charming; make me a happy darling. Reach for me, and then we’ll be merry. ---- Dear Reader/s, kayo na bahala mag-decipher nito. Sobrang random lang. Hopeless case na kasi ako e. Poem ko ‘to para.. Uh, para kanino nga ba? Wala nakong special someone para idedicate pa sana ‘to e. Haha. Bitter ko lang, para sa sarili ko lang. Lol.

Omg. Seriously, feeling ko, namimiss ko na siya. At some point, yup. Love ko parin siya. As in, may konting kurot parin kasi. Ugh. Nung nakita ko siya kanina? Booooom. Gusto ko sana siyang i-approach, wala lang. Gusto ko lang siyang kamustahin. Pero hindi. Hindi dapat. Kung mangyayari man ‘yun, dapat mauna siya. Tsk. Pero, asa naman ako. Natouched pa nga ako when he helped me with those falling bags e. Tapos narinig ko, nag side comment pa siya. Hay. Damn it, seriously. As days go by, habang patagal ng patagal, palaki ng palaki, at palayo ng palayo yung gap and space and distance between us, gusto ko na siyang kausapin nang matino, yung seryosohan. Para sa closure namin. Hindi yung sobrang awkward na ganito. To make things clear between us na. Sobrang awkward kaya, para kaming hindi magkakilala. As in. Nakakapanibago, oo. Well, kahit papaano naman, medyo in different narin naman yung nararamdaman ko, towards him. But, I won’t ever forget about those things na nalaman ko, that won’t change the fact of his ‘true’ intentions sa akin e. Yea, it sucks. But I know, time will come that I’ll be able to convince myself to forgive him, too. But maybe, not NOW. I have a feeling na, hindi pa talaga ‘yun ngayon e. Sobrang mabigat na mabigat pa. Sobrang sakit na malamang ‘fake’ lang pala yung taong minahal mo. Hoho. Paulit ulit nalang ako with these lines of mine e. pero, gosh. Natraumatized na ako. Ayoko na muna talagang pumasok pa in a relationship yet.

Matatagal ‘to. Sobra. Nararamdaman ko. Bubuuin ko muna ulit yung sarili ko, hahanapin ko narin yung mga missing parts ko. For I know, I’m totally broke right now, and at the same time, lost. I have to love myself even more, bago ako magmahal ng iba. Papanindigan ko na talaga ‘to. This time, I know, kaya ko. Patience and of course, Time. :> Love can wait.
Yes. Love can wait. Maghihintay nalang talaga ako ng tamang lalaki para sakin. Hindi nako magmamadali.